Sunday, November 30, 2008

Three Weeks Ago

My mom, (who some of you readers may be used to by now), is an extremely different kind of person. Eccentric to some. Funny to others. Irritating to me. And the word, "manipulative" doesn't even begin to describe her ways. Sometimes though, I feel as though I'm the only one in the world who realizes this. Like I'm turning into Chief Inspector Dreyfus, while she pushes forth as Inspector Clouseau...and I'll be the one placed in solitary confinement twitching my eye in a sanitarium for the criminally insane somewhere.

Take this birthday card. Seems like a simple, (albeit completely plain), normal birthday card. Only problem is, I received it THREE WEEKS AGO and my birthday is on Christmas Day. That's over a month and a half too soon...!

Now listen. I'm not being over-sensitive here. If you receive a birthday card early, the sender usually prefaces it with that recognition. "I'll be out of town for a long time...didn't want to miss your birthday." Or..."Came across this cool card-know it's early, but it reminded me of you." Or that ol' standard...,
"I'm friggin' out of my gourd and just had to get this card to you today because I could be dead by tomorrow" rationale, right?

Don't you get it?

Here's what I think: She feels like she won't BE HERE by December 25th to wish me happy birthday. Poof. Gone. So she HAS TO send me a birthday card this early. Either that, or she wants to be the very first one to recognize my special day.

Is this ok or am I nuts? Normal people send cards ON (or right around) special occasions, yes?

Anyway, here it is. You be the judge.

And Happy Valentine's Day!

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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Business Mail

I was 4 years old when this letter came for me in the mail. And it's NOT from my mother.

It's a little change of pace and I'm happy to share it. As a matter-of-fact, I still have a smile on my face after reading my father's letter. (For those of you unfamiliar with this blog, I should mention that he died of pancreatic cancer when I was 8.) Looking at his words, I realized that even then he probably knew about my mom, perhaps foreshadowed the mail I'd save from her, and the day I'd need to use it as proof. What if HE TOO had a growing collection of actual letters written to her? I guess I'll never know for sure.

What I DO know is when it came to my dad, there were no cuckoo warnings. No unwarranted fears. No loose change taped to a piece of paper. Only a father...who really did know best. Happy Thanksgiving!

Mr. Adam Chester
99 black Oak Ridge Road
Wayne, New Jersey

Dear Adam:
Here is some very important business mail for you to keep with all your other very important pieces of business mail that are filed away in exotic places on Black Oak Ridge Road.
With all my love to the best little boy in the whole world!
All my love always,

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Has It Been Ten Years For You?

Every year, we all receive our share of Happy Something-Or-Other-Day cards. Short. Sweet. Thoughtful. Nice reminders that somebody out there remembers a special occasion.

Every 10 years, I receive the following...

I was thinking how long ago I had a tetanus shot & for me-it's been about 5 years-
I don't know when you had a tetanus shot-Do you?- I know you're supposed to have one every 10 years-has it been 10 years for you? I know you had one in California-Do you remember the doctor that gave it to you? You could call & ask how long ago you had it if you know who gave it to you-

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Sunday, November 9, 2008


I give up.


Another reminder-
Don't ever let Michael (your uncle) into your apartment.

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Sunday, November 2, 2008

I Have To Go Now

This letter from 1987 contains one of the finest
stream-of-consciousness ramblings probably since Joyce’s, "Ulysses". Or is it more like Stephen King's Annie Wilkes, from "Misery"?
You decide.

Dear Adam-
Did you ever get the signal fixed on the car?
Also, did you ever get the contact lenses cleaned to your liking?
Otherwise, I have to call the office where I bought them.
Did you ever get Master Card? To find out about the $6.?
I paid them for the car and the additional air money.
I have to go now.
P.S. Enclosed find check for $50. to help with food.

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