A Happy Face

Pickle? Really? (Insert sad face here...)

1/24/94
Pickle-
1. If and when you decide to come to Florida, let me know. I have to order a roll-a-way bed. They deliver.
2. Don't confront the stalker who's bothering Dana. Just call police.
I'm sorry you're having so much stress. Take an aspirin before going to bed and get a full night's sleep so you can work.
Enclosed find $20 to help with gas or a lunch?
Love,
Mom
A Happy Face

 

Cock and Bull Story

Love the ending...
"Will call you Sunday"...
to see if you're still alive, that is.

March 2, 1984
Dear Adam,
After our conversation, I was thinking, don't you think it would be a good idea to go into the film industry after college? They pay so well and from there, you could make contacts and get people to hear your music. This way, you could be making money and making contacts at the same time. You could also write music for the movies! This is one way to get people to notice you! Think about it. It's better than pounding on doors!
I'm very busy at work! We've had some cases where we have had to take some kids away from their parents 'cause of child abuse. These parents are very upset about it and angry at me. Don't go anywhere with any strangers. Even if they tell you a 'cock and bull' story. Check it out first. I'm only trying to do my job, but I'm not winning any friends or influencing people! I know I'm paranoid but I'd rather be on the safe side.
Will call you Sunday.
Love-
Mom

 

Too Many Songs Are No Good

I suppose she expects 10%...

Did you know the names of these CEO's?
Send a tape of your 2 songs only!
If You Walked Into My Life and The Moon song!
Too many songs are no good.

 

The Jersey Family

But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all...,
except for those people in Jersey!"

Thursday
Adam-
I'm not telling you who to be friends with. It just offends me that Bonnie and the Jersey Family have nothing to do with me except when you're in town, and that's because my life is hard and I have no money. If I were married and had money, it would be different. They don't want to deal with anything unpleasant. That is why Claire-Ruth has nothing to do with Nan. My sister has nothing to do with me. The only thing that offends me is that YOU are not offended by this.
They are self-absorbed, narcissistic people and I want nothing to do with them, either. So, when Holidays come around and they celebrate and do NOT invite me, do not expect me to go when you show up in town and I suddenly get an invitation.
Mom

 

Do NOT

OK. Got it.
Holy crap-wait...don't I have to put a stamp on the envelope?

June 21, 1985
Adam-
Enclosed find 3 separate letters or papers.
1. Says you have to sign claim form (yellow paper) on bottom where it is circled only in order for it to remain current.
2. Sign white sheet where it says other group insurance.
3. Do NOT fill out anything on yellow sheet other than your signature where it is circled.
Do NOT answer where you are employed, income, or anything else. What I filled out is enough. I spoke to the insurance man on the phone and he said name and address and a signature is enough.
Put the 3 papers in the envelope and mail.

 

Even George

Et tu, Georgey?

May 31, 1985
Adam-
Be careful not to sign anything in connection with the car! You are liable for anything you sign. And since I have no money to help, (I'm even struggling to pay my rent this month!), you don't want to be held responsible.
Don't trust anybody. Even George.
He is only out for himself to sell a car and get money!
Love,
Mom

 

Major Work

And I'm told some people, neglect their teeth.

9/22/00
Adam-
Please make sure your tires are checked every few months
and make sure they're not Firestone Tires.
They say most people neglect their tires and they are so important.
I'm going to have major work done on my teeth.
I have an abscess on an old root canal.
I'm so afraid of this work.
Mom

 

Corn Comes Out The Way It Goes In

I'm prepared to offer a small prize to anyone who's able to tell me what the hell the last line of this letter means.

Sunday
Adam-
Don't eat nuts! It is bad for you and very hard to digest.
That's why the doctor told me not to eat corn or anything that can get caught in the intestine. As you know, corn comes out the way it goes in!
I have gallstones, a hernia, a sensitive intestine and high blood pressure so because I've been to enough doctors, I have some knowledge of what not to eat. I also have arthritis but because of my age, I'm not complaining.
I'm not putting you in my category at all. Just watch what you put in your mouth and get enough rest. You'll be fine.
Keep your bowels open.
Love,
Mom

 

Tim

Oh No! NOT THE DREADED NASAL INFECTION!!!!

3/18/1986
Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a thought!
Tim had an infection before I left.
A nasal infection.
That can be contagious if you drink from the same glass or use the same utensil.
So I hope you didn't catch it from him.
If you did, you have to go on antibiotics, so you can call Dr. Caplan and he can order it over the phone.
Love,
Mom

 

Miami Beach

Attention Weather Channel: Meet your new weather girl...

May 24, 1986
Dear Adam,
Saw this card and thought you'd like it.
It's very hot here. It's so humid you could drop!
Love you-
Mom

 

Benny's Brother

Calling Lt. Bejar. Lt. Bejar. Come in. Over...

10/27/00
Adam-
IF I go to Nan's, I'm not looking forward to staying with Michael. He has the bedroom and Nan and I will be in living-room.
I will be there very little as Nan and I will be out most of the time.
My pager will not work there, so if you have to reach me and their phone doesn't work or Michael forgets to give me a message, and it's important, just tell Benny's brother, who is a police officer in Miami to go to 516 15th street, #12. That's the address of Nan's apartment near Pennsylvania Avenue. You should have it. But, I'm not going to call you while I'm there unless absolutely necessary. I plan to go 11/22 and come back 11/27.
Love,
Mom

 

A Bunch of Liars

Hi! It's Adam calling.
Is my mother, Joan available...?
What? She's on her lunchbreak?
Hmmm..., I don't believe you.


Wednesday
Dear Adam-
Just a note to tell you not to call my office at any time. I'm having a lot of trouble with them and they're a bunch of liars!
Love,
Mom

 

I Thought This Was Aprapo {sic}

This pissed my wife off.

 

Fax Transmittal Sheet

"How Technology Helped Me Embarrass My Son"
By: Adam's Mom

5/7/00
To: Adam
This Message is from: Mom, The Pierre Hotel
Number of Pages: 1
Poopie-
I'm waiting for my friends to go out for dinner and we decided
to meet at the Pierre. I always arrive early. It's 90 degrees today.
That's why I still have a cold.
Love and Kisses.

Dr. Chester

Fine. I'll put off the Lasik.

Wednesday
Adam-
Your grandfather, Dr. Chester, once told me if you can avoid surgery and take other courses of treatment, do so, because surgery is a last resort. He said it can cause other problems that are more severe than original problem. Case in point, he had open heart surgery. They said the operation was a success.
Maybe.
But he died 15 hours later.
Love,
Mom

Adam is Lucky

Yup.
Somethin's definitely wrong.

Thursday
Maria,
You're doing a terrific job as a mother and a working mother at that!
You're very special and Adam is lucky to have you.
Just thought I'd treat you to a nice lunch while at work.
Love,
Joan

 

I'm Your Friend

"Friend...Good. FRIENNNNNND...GOOOOOOOOOD!"


So, Don't listen to all these "do-gooders." They may even tell you they have done "such and such". Just because they did it, doesn't mean it's right.
Listen to your old mom. I know you think I don't know much of anything, but one thing you can count on, I'm in your corner.
More than anyone else is.
I'm your friend.
Love,
Mom

 

Little Black Book

So I went to clean out some other boxes of crap in my garage and there this was. Straight outta 1985. Hey, it said, "Little Black Book" and I guess I thought that was kinda cool to have back then. Besides, it was before the internet, dating sites, cell phones and the like, and I needed something to keep track of all the women I was dating at the time.
Right.
Anyway, I went thumbing through the pages.
Wow-I remember Holly. I wonder what happened to her!
Oh jeez-Joy. We didn't even date after I met her that...
And then in one single solitary second, everything came crashing to a halt right then and there in my garage under the letter, 'N'.
It was that handwriting.
Come On!
Seriously?
When? How? For God's sake...Why? Did I need to have that in here?
Was anything I ever did or ever came to possess, sacred? Ever?

Eggs

I knew it was only a matter of time before this showed up, as I wouldn't return any of her phone messages.
And now if you'll excuse me, I must go finish my frittata.

 

Flight Attendant Report

What if her FIRST flight never made it?
I guess I would have been screwed.
And potentially by a Nun.

Dear Adam-
I'm on the plane and this is the only stationary they have.
I wanted to tell you, in case the plane back doesn't make it, Marian is paid in full until September 1. Don't let her tell you otherwise. Some checks were made to her. Others made to Jubilee West in Oakland, CA where her daughter is a Nun.
The checks were issued on 1st Interstate Bank.
My will should be in bag in your apartment in a canvas bag of mine, or with Leonard Cooperman, lawyer in Miami.
Love,
Mom
Keep this letter. It's legal proof.

 

The Thing That You're Supposed To Have

I know. She's right. But when you're in your 40's, the whole reprimanding thing gets a wee bit embarrassing, don't you think? And speaking of thinking, is she following me...?

Monday
Listen, Adam-
I saw you in the car the other day on the phone without the thing that you're supposed to have. You just can't do that. It's just too dangerous. I don't even care about the fine. But it's too dangerous to be on the phone when you're driving. I just saw a movie on TV, I won't tell you about it. You cannot be on the phone when you're driving. I don't know how many times you have to be told!
Love,
Mom

 

Tell Gretchen Not To Answer Any Questions

Bonnie-my Aunt
Gretchen-my old roommate

November 5, 1985
I don't like the fact that Bonnie talks to Gretchen like "an old friend".
Who knows what questions she asks Gretchen.
It's like she interigates {sic} her.
Tell Gretchen not to answer any questions.
Mom

Discrepency

And in this corner...defending her title...
weighing in at 112 pounds...from Bayonne, New Jersey...
Adaammm's Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Thursday
Adam-
I'm really upset!
You and Maria had a fit when I told you I'd have to stay at your place for a month. So I called my friend and I only had to stay 2 weeks at your house! Yet, Annette, when she was there for 2 months, you both were happy to see her leave!
Now, she's coming out for July and August and she'll have to have use of a car too so Maria will have to take you and pick you up from work. Plus, her airfare and all the food she buys.Why is there such a discrepency between how you treat me and her mother?
Love,
Mom

Sunday, Wednesday, Friday

Three letters. One topic. Same week.
You ready?
Go!

#1
Sunday
Adam-
The Jewish newspaper in LA at the newsstand on Fairfax near Canter's, they will have ads for music teachers at the various temples. Their requirements are not the same as public schools. If you're interested, this will give you a salary and a lot of paid vacation time to pursue other things. You could sell the pianos in the summer when school is closed. With your background at the Hebrew Academy, they will love you!
Mom
(over)
Did Maria get the priority mail I sent her?
P.S. I'm thinking of coming to LA to see you on Labor Day which is the beginning of September. I have a week's vacation. Is that all right? Please let me know so I can buy my ticket.

#2
Wednesday
Adam-
I'm just concerned that you won't have the security of a salary if it's only commission. If you worked in a school as a music teacher, you would have a salary and benefits. What benefits do they give you?
Love,
Mom
Also-
If you have a show Saturday night, how can you work all day Saturday? Maybe you only have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Yes?
Mom

#3
Friday
Do you want to have the hectic life of a salesman? Why wouldn't you want a job with job security and vacations and bonuses and such? Teaching in a private school like a temple school can do that. What happened to that job with Scott to score his movie? You never keep me on top of these things.
It's your life so please forgive me to be so presumptuous as to tell you what to do. I just want life to be fulfilling for you so whatever you choose to do, I am behind you.
Did you know your father was considering on going back to Medical School just before he got sick and he was in his early 40's?
Love,
Mom