Screws On Your Windows

This letter, (envelope dated January 6, 1999) needs no introduction other than to say that the kid my mother refers to here was a neighbor I hardly knew named Allen. Back in the 70's when we were youngins, this loon would tell me that KILLER BEES were going to take over the world! He wasn't a very popular little fella. My mom..., loved him!


Adam-
Here's a '20' to have lunch-
I hope you have screws on your windows-On the news-it said 'killer bees' are on their way to L.A.-!!-Remember that kid you knew in Miami that said that-
Encl. find check for ticket-
Love,
Mom

 

Two Things To Avoid

I know. A lot of folks were worried about Y2K. This was pre-911, but not pre-apocalyptic thinking. I remember CNN's report suggesting people go buy bottled water, toiletries, candles, batteries, and plenty of canned food. Then came my mother's report written to me on Monday, December 28th, 1999. Now even though this letter seems 'appropriate' for the time, and some of you might have even heard these warnings, please try and understand that I grew up with this level of worry and anxiety every single day of the year. Y2K became the catalyst and justification for the masses to join in on my mother's perpetual Fear Fiesta.

Adam-
In the year 2000-don't go up in a plane New Year's Eve & Don't go on an elevator!-Those are only the 2 things to avoid until we see how computers are working-
Love,
Mom

 

American Cheese

Of COURSE, it all makes sense to me now, Doctor...

February 19, 1986

Dear Adam-

Just a note to let you know not to eat any kind of foreign cheese- They have found that some french and Spanish cheese is contaminated. So just eat American cheese.
Also-I know it's been raining there a lot and I want you to be careful-I know how the roads are out there when it rains so please wear a seat belt and be careful driving. I hope by this time, you have bought an umbrella.
I will let you know when I will be arriving. It will be in a couple of weeks.
Love-
Mom

 

After Dark!

The reaction most moms would have when hearing they will soon be introduced to their son's new love, would normally be something along the lines of...Wow...can't wait to meet her! Perhaps the parent would make dinner reservations to hang out at a chic new restaurant in New York, (where my mom was living at the time.) Maybe arrange for us to meet for drinks at a happening bar. Or how about a casual little stroll through Central Park???

Oops. I forgot. We're talking about MY mother.

See the attached New York Post clipping she sent me in the mail about a couple of months prior to Maria and I making the trip. I guess she had other plans for us.

(ECU on POST article mailed to me May 9, 1999)

You & Maria are staying near Central Park-Don't go into Park after Dark!

 

 

Use It Well

Did you know that for a mere $17.00 at LAX, you too can bring comfort and joy to your family in the event the plane you're boarding takes a swan dive? It's true! Do NOT get on that aircraft without buying some flight insurance! $17 buys you $300,000! Step right up! Now have a great flight!

11/20/2002

Keep this in case plane crashes-It's for round trip-you get $300,000. Use it well.
Mom

 

Hello, my name is your mom, and I'm insane.

Self-realization. Acknowledgment. Admitting you have a problem. Commendable. Vital to the process of healing. And in the journey to improve one's relationships with others and themselves, A HUGE FIRST STEP!

But without sounding too insensitive here...

WHEN DO THE OTHER ELEVEN KICK IN?

October 28, 2002

Hello-
Adam- I know you would agree with this saying in regard to me!

Love, Mom

 

He Has Her Address

Call me a skeptic, but I guess I'm one of the few who doesn't believe the postman actually delivers those millions of letters addressed by kids all over the world to:

Santa Claus
The North Pole

But at least now I know (thanks to this gem from my mother and an apparent all-knowing acquaintance of the time, Philip), how to send something (namely a tape of my music, in this instance) to Barbra Streisand, and trust that she'll actually get it. Please Babs...forgive me in advance for divulging such confidential information.

May 2, 1998

Adam-

Philip said to send a tape to Barbra Streisand Malibu, CA. & the postman will deliver it to her as he has her address-you have nothing to lose-Why not try it?

Love,
Mom