There, I Feel Better

Uh oh. I sold that piano with the bench.

Sunday
Dear Adam
As I'm getting on in years, you should know that my Will is in the piano bench and my life insurance policy is with Mutual of Omaha.
There, I feel better.
Love,
Mom

Lutheran

If this letter from the late 80's could be performed as a scene of a phone conversation with my Jewish mother, my part would probably go something like this:
Hello? Hi Mom. Ok. Ok. Ok. Oh, right. Ok. Cool. Right. Ugg. Nice girl...right. Alright. What? (Click.) Hello? Mom? Hello? (End scene.)

Saturday
Adam-
This is my plan. When I get the ticket from you to go to California on Thanksgiving, I'll stay with you for that weekend. Then, I'll stay with Reva for 3 weeks. The lady near Melrose.
Then, I'll fly to NY on December 26th, stay with Bonnie for 2 weeks. Then, move into the woman's residence in NY and live there while I work at that paper on Wall Street. I can't stay here any longer than Thanksgiving!!! I'd rather be dead. This is no place for a nice girl like me!
So, when I call to make my ticket, it will only be 1 way.
Love,
From your Lutheran Mom

Grapes

In Adam's family, nothing is regular.

Monday
Adam-
Grapes are very good for having bowel movements. I didn't see any grapes in your house!!
Mom

I Know What I'm Talking About

Looking back on it all, I can't believe what a fool I've been. Of COURSE my mother knew the truth about her own father and his "business". She lived with the man until she was 3 years old! Oh sure, they lost touch for decades when he left, but my mother kept tabs. And in her own cryptic way, she was obviously just trying to protect me from his posse and their covert ties with the underworld.

Sunday,
Adam-
I sent you $20 at your home. You never mentioned it.
Here's a little extra for your pocket.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Don't get involved with Pop's business. And don't sign anything regarding his business! I know what I'm talking about.

Prostitutes

My maternal grandfather. He divorced my grandmother long before I was born, and she married the man I grew up knowing and loving as, my grandfather. Little did I know until my senior year of high school that (Surprise!) THAT guy wasn't my "BLOOD" grandfather. No no. This guy in Joisey (who never remarried and allegedly liked the occasional nookie from whores), was. Go figure. Sure I wanted him at my wedding. But there was my mother with her letter. Filling my head with the necessary commentary one needs to hear right before their big day. You know, I'm beginning to wonder if my mother (Surprise!) is really my mother.

8/21/01
Adam-
Dementia is when the brain has deteriorated and the person cannot function rationally. So, anything he says is questionable. So, STAY AWAY from him before the wedding 'cause he's trouble with a capital 'T'.
I've tried to hire a reputable woman for him but he'd rather have his prostitutes! His friends (Frank, the barber) told me to stay away from him and concentrate on my own life. They all know he's weird! Don't worry. If he goes to wedding, Nan and I will gag and bind him! We'll take care of him.
Mom
P.S. $20 is for a pizza for you and Maria

THE LA PHIL SIGN

A big thanks to my pal, Ian!
I just may have to print this out and mail it to my mother.

LA Philharmonic

I can almost see the marquee now...
MR. BERENTHAL PRESENTS...
THE LA PHILHARMONIC PLAYING SELECTED POP SONGS BY
SOME GUY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

Tuesday
Adam-
Enclosed find $50 just for you. I sent a $100 money order last
week to your house. Did you get it? It was for your anniversity (sic).
Love,
Mom
(over)
Have you ever heard of Famous Artists? Anyhow, I spoke with
Mr. Berenthal who is the creator. He said to find out who the Manager of LA Philharmonic is and call him and ask if the Philharmonic can play one of your pieces at the Pop concerts that they put on. They sometimes do this.
Also, Mr. Bernthal , who was also Head of the Music Department at Syracuse, said for me to tell him who manager is because if he knows him, he'll make sure your compositions are played by LA Philharmonic.