Prostitutes

My maternal grandfather. He divorced my grandmother long before I was born, and she married the man I grew up knowing and loving as, my grandfather. Little did I know until my senior year of high school that (Surprise!) THAT guy wasn't my "BLOOD" grandfather. No no. This guy in Joisey (who never remarried and allegedly liked the occasional nookie from whores), was. Go figure. Sure I wanted him at my wedding. But there was my mother with her letter. Filling my head with the necessary commentary one needs to hear right before their big day. You know, I'm beginning to wonder if my mother (Surprise!) is really my mother.

8/21/01
Adam-
Dementia is when the brain has deteriorated and the person cannot function rationally. So, anything he says is questionable. So, STAY AWAY from him before the wedding 'cause he's trouble with a capital 'T'.
I've tried to hire a reputable woman for him but he'd rather have his prostitutes! His friends (Frank, the barber) told me to stay away from him and concentrate on my own life. They all know he's weird! Don't worry. If he goes to wedding, Nan and I will gag and bind him! We'll take care of him.
Mom
P.S. $20 is for a pizza for you and Maria

THE LA PHIL SIGN

A big thanks to my pal, Ian!
I just may have to print this out and mail it to my mother.

LA Philharmonic

I can almost see the marquee now...
MR. BERENTHAL PRESENTS...
THE LA PHILHARMONIC PLAYING SELECTED POP SONGS BY
SOME GUY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

Tuesday
Adam-
Enclosed find $50 just for you. I sent a $100 money order last
week to your house. Did you get it? It was for your anniversity (sic).
Love,
Mom
(over)
Have you ever heard of Famous Artists? Anyhow, I spoke with
Mr. Berenthal who is the creator. He said to find out who the Manager of LA Philharmonic is and call him and ask if the Philharmonic can play one of your pieces at the Pop concerts that they put on. They sometimes do this.
Also, Mr. Bernthal , who was also Head of the Music Department at Syracuse, said for me to tell him who manager is because if he knows him, he'll make sure your compositions are played by LA Philharmonic.

 

Important Papers

Good thing I listened.

June 19, 1987
Adam-
Enclosed find check and stamps.
Love, Mom
Put important papers in a safe place.

 

People Are So Odd

Proof once again that in my family, odd is relative.

Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a note to say hello.
The night you had your car stolen and I reported it to the insurance company the next day, do you know the only thing Nan was concerned about 'cause she heard me on the phone was, "How did Adam afford to put an $800 stereo in the car?!" I didn't answer, but she kept repeating it. Can you imagine! It's none of her business!
Love,
Mom
P.S. People are so odd.

 

This Is Not Your Hysterical Mother Talking

Now here's a little known follow-up to the classic song, "What are you doing New Year's Eve?"
Here's, "What you shouldn't be doing New Year's Eve", from Adam's Mom.
Happy New Year, eveybody!

11/18/99
We're preparing a list at work for all our clients who would be at risk should electricity in New York stop because of the Y2K problem January 31, 2000. This means no traffic lights, no mass transportation, no phones or refrigeration, no lights, no elevators. So, the thought occurred to me...Don't drive that night and don't take elevators. Keep a flashlight on hand and have some canned food in apartment. Don't go on subways. Stay near where you're staying so you can walk back to apartment. You need bottled water and a manual can opener. When you get to apartment where you're staying, get prepared just in case of emergency. See what you need. This is not your hysterical mother talking. We have been so instructed at work by a well informed computer expert!!!! Better to take precaution than be sorry.
Love, Mom

Live Your Dreams

Christmas is my birthday.
My mother-in-law, (who's visiting us over the Holidays), was very disturbed by this card. Kept asking me if the guy on the front was related to me. "Why else would she send that card with that strange, disgusting man on it?"
Don't you just love being around loved ones this time of year? Come on...sing with me...
We are family! I got all my mothers with me...
Merry Christmas, Everyone!