This Is Not Your Hysterical Mother Talking

Now here's a little known follow-up to the classic song, "What are you doing New Year's Eve?"
Here's, "What you shouldn't be doing New Year's Eve", from Adam's Mom.
Happy New Year, eveybody!

11/18/99
We're preparing a list at work for all our clients who would be at risk should electricity in New York stop because of the Y2K problem January 31, 2000. This means no traffic lights, no mass transportation, no phones or refrigeration, no lights, no elevators. So, the thought occurred to me...Don't drive that night and don't take elevators. Keep a flashlight on hand and have some canned food in apartment. Don't go on subways. Stay near where you're staying so you can walk back to apartment. You need bottled water and a manual can opener. When you get to apartment where you're staying, get prepared just in case of emergency. See what you need. This is not your hysterical mother talking. We have been so instructed at work by a well informed computer expert!!!! Better to take precaution than be sorry.
Love, Mom

Live Your Dreams

Christmas is my birthday.
My mother-in-law, (who's visiting us over the Holidays), was very disturbed by this card. Kept asking me if the guy on the front was related to me. "Why else would she send that card with that strange, disgusting man on it?"
Don't you just love being around loved ones this time of year? Come on...sing with me...
We are family! I got all my mothers with me...
Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Oops, Mom

Found this letter just in time for the holidays, and I can't decide which is more odd. The fact that my mother isn't sure I'd know what the word, "Gelt" means, (after sending me to Hebrew school for 6 years), or the fact that she's not quite sure who SHE is. By the way, Annette is my mother in law.
I think.
Oh, I don't know.

11/29/99
Adam-
Enclosed find a little Hanukkah gelt, which means money. Use it to buy whatever.
Spoke with Annette. We're supposed to meet one day next week and go to a comedy club.
Love, Joan
Oops, Mom

Enjoy This CD

Perhaps I'm over-analyzing everything she sends me...but it got me thinking. Maybe I AM a little overweight...??!

Someone That Turns Me Off!

Letter Dictionary:
Graham=Someone she dated.
Dundee=Someone she never dated but admired.
Adam=Me=Her son=Someone who'd have preferred never reading ANY of this.

Thursday
Adam-
The guy (Graham) really is a Jerk! He's NO Dundee either! He's not at all masculine. A wimp! I can't stand weak men! That's why he likes that German lady. She's happy to take control. And Adam, I can't go to bed with someone that turns me off! I don't think you could either!
I don't know if there's anyone out there for me. If not, I'll just do the best I can on my own. I'd rather be alone than put up with someone's behavior that makes me want to throw up. If I weren't so particular, I could have been re-married 10 times already!
Take care of you for me. You're the most important man in my life. (Until another comes along.)
Love-
Mom

Chamomile Tea

This letter keeps me up at night.

BLUE

So my mother mailed me this NY POST photo clipping back in 2000, showing me how the star of the movie, "Blue", in her opinion, looks like my wife. Innocent enough. Sure. What she swears she didn't notice is that little synopsis directly under the picture which explains the movie to be all about a young woman who loses her musician-husband and child in a car wreck.
Now THAT, boys and girls, is what I call WEIRD.


Doesn't this look like Maria?

 

Man of Mystery

Normally, I'd explain the WHO? and the WHAT? of this letter.
But thanks to its advice from 1988...,
Today, I am a man of mystery.
Thursday
Dear Adam,
I hope when you talk to Alisa, you don't confide everything in her. Specifically, regarding your financial condition. She doesn't have to know all your personal business. You don't know if she repeats it to her mother or not.
In any event, keep certain things to yourself. If you get married, that's another matter! But, until that happens, it's better to remain a man of mystery than one who bears all. Girls like a little challenge.
Love,
Mom

 

I Will Have To Be Committed

So let me get this straight...
HER mom, drives HER crazy?
Hmmm...

Sunday
Hello.
Thought I'd plan on coming out for 2 nights. Alone. I need to have a little space from Nan for 2 days and I want to see Truman. So, I'm planning on beginning of March. Will discuss dates with you to what's convenient for you. I would stay at the hotel only because I need very much to be alone or I will have to be committed. My identity has been lost just when I almost had one and I have to recover it.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Could you send Clive Davis, who is again head of Arista Records, a sample of your music? He's 71 years old now and Jewish and I think he would listen to you. Try!
Did you and Maria start your taxes?

 

Nowhere Near Spain

I don't think she'd be my 1st choice for "phone-a-friend"...


5/10/97
Adam-
Enclosed find a little check to buy brunch for you and Vicky.
I love you.
When are you going on your vacation?
And where are you going?
Are you still going to Spain?
Morocco is in South Africa and is nowhere near Spain!
I'll speak to you next week.
Love, Mom

 

Call Seinfeld

I'm not gonna tell her. YOU tell her!

Don't Walk From Car To Car

Horrible as this clipping is, I'm sure any Shrink would have a field day with this one...

"Of virtues I most warmly bless, most rarely see unselfishness.
And to put graver sins aside, I own a preference for pride."
Enclosed find money for Channuka.
Also, horrible clipping of what happens when you walk thru cars on subways. You could fall on tracks! Don't walk thru cars.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I decided NOT to take out additional insurance with Chase Bank as I had told you.

 

Are You Getting My Mail??

I believe it was my grandmother who use to write me checks for money she didn't actually have. As for my mother..., what mail?

Sunday
Dear Adam-
Since that check bounced, and they deducted $30 or so from your account, make sure you have enough in the account so that other checks you write won't bounce. I know something like that can really foul you up!! When I told her, all she said was, OH! Just don't trust any other checks from her. They're all full of shit!
Are you getting my mail?? You never seem to answer any of my questions!
Love,
Mom

 

Gorgeous

When you look at the letter, do YOU find it odd that my name was written in a box labeled, CASE NAME??? Hello? Mr. DeMille? Anybody?

2/1/2000
ADAM
SUGGESTION
Go to some of the Major Motion Picture Studios. (Paramount, MGM, etc.) They have a personnel office. Take your resume and speak to one of the officers and tell them you're looking for a job related to music. What openings do they have. Sometimes, they need in-house musicians and you have to go (in person) 'cause once they see how gorgeous you are, all the people will help you in your pursuit. It won't hurt to go as they do have personnel department there.
Love,
Mom
Please let me know if you're going to fly off somewhere. I would want to know what plane you're on. And try to conserve your money for necessary items only.

 

Don't Ask Me Anything About My Date

A lot of you will probably say, "Good for her for having a date!" However, keep in mind, sometimes I feel like the parent: What's his motive? Who is he? Where will you be going? Is he out of his mind?
See? I really DO care!

 

I Met This Gal At The Pool

Dear Tori, I know it's 15 years later, but I'm around next Tuesday...???

3/15/94
Adam-
I met this gal at the pool of a hotel. She owns Maddhatter Films in LA. (xxx)xxx-xxxx. She said she could put you in touch with some managers.
Just don't sign anything!
She'll be back the 1st week in April. Her name is Tori. Just say your mom met her at a pool in Miami and she'll know who it is!
Love,
Mom
Networking can't hurt!

 

A Thousand Lire

I received this letter right around the time I was leaving for Italy.
At first glance, I admit the number on the bill took me by surprise. Turned out that a thousand Lire equaled about 75 cents in US money. Hey, I know...it's the thought that counts. Then as I held it closer, I smiled a little, and marveled at the drawing of a mother helping her son with his homework.
It all looked so...normal.

 

Warm Coat and Hat

It's not always just what's IN the envelope, but ON. For ALL to see.

 

Craigslist

All I said was that I was going to pick up a watch from this guy off Craigslist.
And this is where my mother ended up going...

Tuesday
Adam-
Be careful about meeting people on "Craig's List." I heard from CNN that there are a lot of criminals that prey on people and they have met them to harm them and steal from them. So be cautious!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Please don't go into Mexico because they are kidnapping Americans and cutting off their heads!!

 

What To Do

Then what? Then what? Don't LEAVE me here like this!! Tell me, for the love of God...!
WHAT DO I DO NEXT?!?

April 5, 1987
Sunday
Poppy-Seed,
Did you file your taxes yet?
If you're late in filing, they will charge a huge penalty. You have to mail it in by the 15th!!!
You keep the copy. Put it in a safe place.
They'll tell you where to sign it, date it, and enclose the check and the accountant or his secretary will tell you what to do and explain it to you.
Make sure they tell you what the correct amount is or you'll see it at bottom of page. Look it over before signing it.
Love,
Mom

 

Love To All

I hear music when I look at this postcard. It's my mother singing an old Jackson Five song. Sounds pretty. But then I realize, she's singing it to the entire staff of Travelcare. And they are all doomed.
(Click below to hear song.)

June 18, 1995-
Hi!!
Here I am in New York City now!
Love to all-
Joan
6 Charles Street-1D
New York, New York 10014

 

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

George Burns

This letter almost got me to simultaneously quit smoking cigars AND become an insomniac.

Wed.
Adam-
I don't think there's anything wrong with you smoking cigars. Look at George Burns. He lived a long life. Stop letting Maria bully you around.
Love-
Mom
P.S. Get some rest-

 

About 20 People!

This postcard made me smile.
Back in 1996, I released my first CD of original songs called, "You Don't Know Me...from Adam". Thanks to my mother, it sold way beyond my wildest expectations!

Adam-
I told everyone at work about the CD. They are all going to buy it!
About 20 people!
Love,
Mom

 

Dear Mr. President

So she told me she'd written a letter to the President of the United States of America. "What? Oh no! What did you write?", I asked.
She sent me this copy.
All it needs is...P.S. Eat your vegetables...you'll need your strength.

Adam-
Enclosed find a rough draft of the letter I wrote to the President.
Mom

Dear Mr. President-
I think you will be one of the best Presidents that we ever had.
I worked for a bureaucracy as a social worker for many years and I know how they work. Don't let the "beasts" bother you. They want to keep things "status quo" for their own benefit.
Play it "close to the vest". You're the President. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to go on the "Jay Leno" show or any other TV show. You're above all that.
Because you are such a "nice guy", people will take advantage of that. Just do what you do and keep away from the "beasts".
My cell is: xxx-xxx-xxxx and my address is: xx xx xxx
Sincerely,
Joan Cxxx

 

Rubbers

Doctor: So how do you feel about your girlfriend breaking up with you, Adam?
Adam: I'll be fine, Doc! But take a look at this...!!

Thursday
Adam-
You need to speak to someone. You can do it on a Saturday. I'll ask my doctor if he knows anyone in LA or you can ask your internist for the name of a psychologist. Even your Eye Doctor (who you like) could recommend someone.
It's hard when something ends. But there's always a new beginning down the line. Hold your ground. You deserve the best and you will get it! You need a help-mate. Someone that gives, not takes!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Make sure you use rubbers! Don't take chances.