Major Work

And I'm told some people, neglect their teeth.

9/22/00
Adam-
Please make sure your tires are checked every few months
and make sure they're not Firestone Tires.
They say most people neglect their tires and they are so important.
I'm going to have major work done on my teeth.
I have an abscess on an old root canal.
I'm so afraid of this work.
Mom

 

Tim

Oh No! NOT THE DREADED NASAL INFECTION!!!!

3/18/1986
Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a thought!
Tim had an infection before I left.
A nasal infection.
That can be contagious if you drink from the same glass or use the same utensil.
So I hope you didn't catch it from him.
If you did, you have to go on antibiotics, so you can call Dr. Caplan and he can order it over the phone.
Love,
Mom

 

A Bunch of Liars

Hi! It's Adam calling.
Is my mother, Joan available...?
What? She's on her lunchbreak?
Hmmm..., I don't believe you.


Wednesday
Dear Adam-
Just a note to tell you not to call my office at any time. I'm having a lot of trouble with them and they're a bunch of liars!
Love,
Mom

 

The Thing That You're Supposed To Have

I know. She's right. But when you're in your 40's, the whole reprimanding thing gets a wee bit embarrassing, don't you think? And speaking of thinking, is she following me...?

Monday
Listen, Adam-
I saw you in the car the other day on the phone without the thing that you're supposed to have. You just can't do that. It's just too dangerous. I don't even care about the fine. But it's too dangerous to be on the phone when you're driving. I just saw a movie on TV, I won't tell you about it. You cannot be on the phone when you're driving. I don't know how many times you have to be told!
Love,
Mom

 

Finish all the Kid's Food

This note from my mother arrived yesterday. I guess it's my Father's Day card.
Doesn't bottled up humiliation cause cancer?

Your Pea Coat

Calling all Burlington Coat Factory and Sears advertising Execs...
there's gotta be a commercial here somewhere.

Monday
Adam-
Did you buy yourself a winter coat? Because if you go with Maria to NY in March, it is bitter cold and your Pea Coat will not be warm enough! You have no time to get sick. Please buy yourself a coat.
Burlington Coat Factory has good buys.
Also, make sure your tires and Maria's tires are sound. I will gladly pay for 2 new tires. 1 for you and 1 for Maria.
Sears has best buy on tires.
Love,
Mom

 

So I Know What's Happening

Story Structure 101, with Adam's Mom.
Normal thought. Normal thought. Huh?

June 17, 1996
Adam-
It was a delight seeing you and Vicky. Let me know when your travel plans materialize so I know what's happening.
Is your car insured for other people to drive?
Love,
Mom

 

Stay Away

Nanny are you ok? So Nanny are you ok? Are you Ok, Nanny?

Saturday
Adam-
Don't go near Nan until we find out from the doctor why she has a rash all over her body and face! I don't know if it's contagious. So stay away.
Love,
Mom

 

Capricorn Man

First the horoscope arrived.
Then about a week or so later, came the letter.
By the way, I am a Capricorn Man. My wife, is a Gemini.
Welcome to La Vida Loca.
And Happy Mother's Day, Everybody!

Thursday
Adam-
1. I had NO idea that was on the horoscope. I didn't even remember what Maria's birthday was. (I only read the CUTE saying they had.)
2. If you want me to be the "Bad" guy in this for something "harmless", then so be it. I can't control what people think! If I bothered to look at that part of the clipping, I may have thought twice. But, it was so unimportant to me, I never even looked! Maria should know in her heart how very much I care for her!
3. If you still have the cold after the antibiotics stop, you should have the doctor renew them 'cause I had to renew mine when I had the flu. You have to stay on 1 week longer. It's so cold up here now, I had to put on my heavy "down" coat 'cause I don't want to get sick again.
Take care-
Love,
Mom

 

 

Role Model

Los Angeles/Summer 2010
Family seeking...
Part-time housekeeper for out of state family member's visit;
OR
Full-time therapist for in-state neurotic mother.

Sunday
Adam,
I have always tried to protect you from both Bonnie and Michael when you were a kid because they were dysfunctional and both had obvious sociopathic disorders.
I'm concerned about my grandchildren now when it comes to Bonnie's possible visit to stay with you. She smokes pot, she's a pig, and leaves her urine on the seat after she goes.
I know it's up to you and Maria with whether she stays with you or not. Just as I told you about (Cousin) Laurie, I'm voicing my concern.
She is NO role model for the children. Ask (Cousin) Andrew. He had to throw her (literally) out of his house.
Mom

 

Yellow Lights

This came to me about a month or so before Maria and I had our first child.
We lived 5 minutes away from the Hospital.

Tuesday
Adam-
When the time comes and you have to drive Maria to the hospital, make sure you don't go through yellow lights as you have to get her there in one piece.
Your Dad drove me very slowly when it was my time and it's good to go for a trial run to see how long it takes obeying all the lights!
Love,
Mom

Do Me A Favor-Please Don't Eat Sushi

Ladies and Gentlemen, here it is! The letter and newspaper clipping from 1989 that inspired the title for this blog! It was waiting for me to re-discover it at the bottom of one of my piles.
So without further ado, it is my honor to share it here with you. Right now, for the very first time!
The worm has turned.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

This Is Not Your Hysterical Mother Talking

Now here's a little known follow-up to the classic song, "What are you doing New Year's Eve?"
Here's, "What you shouldn't be doing New Year's Eve", from Adam's Mom.
Happy New Year, eveybody!

11/18/99
We're preparing a list at work for all our clients who would be at risk should electricity in New York stop because of the Y2K problem January 31, 2000. This means no traffic lights, no mass transportation, no phones or refrigeration, no lights, no elevators. So, the thought occurred to me...Don't drive that night and don't take elevators. Keep a flashlight on hand and have some canned food in apartment. Don't go on subways. Stay near where you're staying so you can walk back to apartment. You need bottled water and a manual can opener. When you get to apartment where you're staying, get prepared just in case of emergency. See what you need. This is not your hysterical mother talking. We have been so instructed at work by a well informed computer expert!!!! Better to take precaution than be sorry.
Love, Mom

Don't Walk From Car To Car

Horrible as this clipping is, I'm sure any Shrink would have a field day with this one...

"Of virtues I most warmly bless, most rarely see unselfishness.
And to put graver sins aside, I own a preference for pride."
Enclosed find money for Channuka.
Also, horrible clipping of what happens when you walk thru cars on subways. You could fall on tracks! Don't walk thru cars.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I decided NOT to take out additional insurance with Chase Bank as I had told you.

 

Warm Coat and Hat

It's not always just what's IN the envelope, but ON. For ALL to see.

 

Craigslist

All I said was that I was going to pick up a watch from this guy off Craigslist.
And this is where my mother ended up going...

Tuesday
Adam-
Be careful about meeting people on "Craig's List." I heard from CNN that there are a lot of criminals that prey on people and they have met them to harm them and steal from them. So be cautious!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Please don't go into Mexico because they are kidnapping Americans and cutting off their heads!!

 

Rubbers

Doctor: So how do you feel about your girlfriend breaking up with you, Adam?
Adam: I'll be fine, Doc! But take a look at this...!!

Thursday
Adam-
You need to speak to someone. You can do it on a Saturday. I'll ask my doctor if he knows anyone in LA or you can ask your internist for the name of a psychologist. Even your Eye Doctor (who you like) could recommend someone.
It's hard when something ends. But there's always a new beginning down the line. Hold your ground. You deserve the best and you will get it! You need a help-mate. Someone that gives, not takes!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Make sure you use rubbers! Don't take chances.

 

Keep It In Your Closet

And now it's time for Feng Shui, with Joan...

Saturday
Adam,
Please make sure your tires are in good condition. I got a raise today and I would be glad to pay for a new tire. You could keep the other one for a spare. You could keep it in your closet. I could send you $200 for a new tire. Please let me know. They are still talking about Firestone Tires and how they are bad. I hope you don't have Firestone. Check Maria's tires too.
Mom

 

Is It Personal?

Let's see...asphyxiation? Check. Vandalism? Check. Make sure you worry about things that really don't matter? Check. And, oh yeah...Shwew! I almost forgot something...Does your wife not like when I visit?
Check, please.
(Marcello=my 3 year old
Truman=my 5 year old
Maria=my wife)

Adam-
Watch Marcello as he puts things around his neck and he could choke himself! Also, make sure the front door is locked as anyone could come up and open the door.
And, when you pick-up Truman, make sure you get there early enough so you could get a parking spot.
Why does Maria wait till I leave before she comes home? I never get to see her! Is it personal?
Love,
Mom

 

Life Insurance

Just another normal letter listing her life insurance, along with some advice as to how to best insure my son's life. (Annette, by the way, is my mother-in-law.)

Life Insurance
Adam-
1. United of Omaha-$10,000
2. AARP-right noow $7000 but will increase to $15,000 in May
3. My retirement. You will get $200 a month.
Also, when Annette comes to you, I love her but I wouldn't trust her driving Truman around.
Love,
Mom