A Happy Face

Pickle? Really? (Insert sad face here...)

1/24/94
Pickle-
1. If and when you decide to come to Florida, let me know. I have to order a roll-a-way bed. They deliver.
2. Don't confront the stalker who's bothering Dana. Just call police.
I'm sorry you're having so much stress. Take an aspirin before going to bed and get a full night's sleep so you can work.
Enclosed find $20 to help with gas or a lunch?
Love,
Mom
A Happy Face

 

Corn Comes Out The Way It Goes In

I'm prepared to offer a small prize to anyone who's able to tell me what the hell the last line of this letter means.

Sunday
Adam-
Don't eat nuts! It is bad for you and very hard to digest.
That's why the doctor told me not to eat corn or anything that can get caught in the intestine. As you know, corn comes out the way it goes in!
I have gallstones, a hernia, a sensitive intestine and high blood pressure so because I've been to enough doctors, I have some knowledge of what not to eat. I also have arthritis but because of my age, I'm not complaining.
I'm not putting you in my category at all. Just watch what you put in your mouth and get enough rest. You'll be fine.
Keep your bowels open.
Love,
Mom

 

Benny's Brother

Calling Lt. Bejar. Lt. Bejar. Come in. Over...

10/27/00
Adam-
IF I go to Nan's, I'm not looking forward to staying with Michael. He has the bedroom and Nan and I will be in living-room.
I will be there very little as Nan and I will be out most of the time.
My pager will not work there, so if you have to reach me and their phone doesn't work or Michael forgets to give me a message, and it's important, just tell Benny's brother, who is a police officer in Miami to go to 516 15th street, #12. That's the address of Nan's apartment near Pennsylvania Avenue. You should have it. But, I'm not going to call you while I'm there unless absolutely necessary. I plan to go 11/22 and come back 11/27.
Love,
Mom

 

A Bunch of Liars

Hi! It's Adam calling.
Is my mother, Joan available...?
What? She's on her lunchbreak?
Hmmm..., I don't believe you.


Wednesday
Dear Adam-
Just a note to tell you not to call my office at any time. I'm having a lot of trouble with them and they're a bunch of liars!
Love,
Mom

 

Dr. Chester

Fine. I'll put off the Lasik.

Wednesday
Adam-
Your grandfather, Dr. Chester, once told me if you can avoid surgery and take other courses of treatment, do so, because surgery is a last resort. He said it can cause other problems that are more severe than original problem. Case in point, he had open heart surgery. They said the operation was a success.
Maybe.
But he died 15 hours later.
Love,
Mom

I'm Your Friend

"Friend...Good. FRIENNNNNND...GOOOOOOOOOD!"


So, Don't listen to all these "do-gooders." They may even tell you they have done "such and such". Just because they did it, doesn't mean it's right.
Listen to your old mom. I know you think I don't know much of anything, but one thing you can count on, I'm in your corner.
More than anyone else is.
I'm your friend.
Love,
Mom

 

Flight Attendant Report

What if her FIRST flight never made it?
I guess I would have been screwed.
And potentially by a Nun.

Dear Adam-
I'm on the plane and this is the only stationary they have.
I wanted to tell you, in case the plane back doesn't make it, Marian is paid in full until September 1. Don't let her tell you otherwise. Some checks were made to her. Others made to Jubilee West in Oakland, CA where her daughter is a Nun.
The checks were issued on 1st Interstate Bank.
My will should be in bag in your apartment in a canvas bag of mine, or with Leonard Cooperman, lawyer in Miami.
Love,
Mom
Keep this letter. It's legal proof.

 

The Thing That You're Supposed To Have

I know. She's right. But when you're in your 40's, the whole reprimanding thing gets a wee bit embarrassing, don't you think? And speaking of thinking, is she following me...?

Monday
Listen, Adam-
I saw you in the car the other day on the phone without the thing that you're supposed to have. You just can't do that. It's just too dangerous. I don't even care about the fine. But it's too dangerous to be on the phone when you're driving. I just saw a movie on TV, I won't tell you about it. You cannot be on the phone when you're driving. I don't know how many times you have to be told!
Love,
Mom

 

Tell Gretchen Not To Answer Any Questions

Bonnie-my Aunt
Gretchen-my old roommate

November 5, 1985
I don't like the fact that Bonnie talks to Gretchen like "an old friend".
Who knows what questions she asks Gretchen.
It's like she interigates {sic} her.
Tell Gretchen not to answer any questions.
Mom

I'm Very Serious

Warnings.
For my mother, they're as constant as the Four Seasons...
Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Only here, they're better known as-
Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Michael, Alisa and Saul.

March 14, 1988
Saturday
Dear Adam,
Don't tell Bonnie any of your business unless you want everyone to know.
She likes to talk to people. It makes her feel important.
Don't ever let Michael in your apartment. He's no good and he'll steal anything you have when you're not looking. I'm very serious. I won't let him in mine and Bonnie told me she won't let him in hers.
You better believe if he shows up there, it's for no good.
Is Alisa working or going to school? What is she doing? What are her goals?
Saul, my landlord, is a bastard and after June, I will be out of here.
Love,
Mom

 

Finish all the Kid's Food

This note from my mother arrived yesterday. I guess it's my Father's Day card.
Doesn't bottled up humiliation cause cancer?

Your Pea Coat

Calling all Burlington Coat Factory and Sears advertising Execs...
there's gotta be a commercial here somewhere.

Monday
Adam-
Did you buy yourself a winter coat? Because if you go with Maria to NY in March, it is bitter cold and your Pea Coat will not be warm enough! You have no time to get sick. Please buy yourself a coat.
Burlington Coat Factory has good buys.
Also, make sure your tires and Maria's tires are sound. I will gladly pay for 2 new tires. 1 for you and 1 for Maria.
Sears has best buy on tires.
Love,
Mom

 

Don't Be Anxious

What? NOW I'm anxious.

Monday
Adam-
Listen.
Don't be upset, because when you're upset or in a hurry,
you trip, you fall and you break your leg.
You can't afford any more of that! Something good is going to happen soon. My horoscope says so. Just take care of yourself, and don't be anxious.
Because then, you make things worse than it is.
OK?
Have a little faith.
Love,
Mom