Corn Comes Out The Way It Goes In

I'm prepared to offer a small prize to anyone who's able to tell me what the hell the last line of this letter means.

Sunday
Adam-
Don't eat nuts! It is bad for you and very hard to digest.
That's why the doctor told me not to eat corn or anything that can get caught in the intestine. As you know, corn comes out the way it goes in!
I have gallstones, a hernia, a sensitive intestine and high blood pressure so because I've been to enough doctors, I have some knowledge of what not to eat. I also have arthritis but because of my age, I'm not complaining.
I'm not putting you in my category at all. Just watch what you put in your mouth and get enough rest. You'll be fine.
Keep your bowels open.
Love,
Mom

 

Eggs

I knew it was only a matter of time before this showed up, as I wouldn't return any of her phone messages.
And now if you'll excuse me, I must go finish my frittata.

 

By Law, You Have to Have a Safe Operating Stove

I don't know where to begin with this one from 1992. The entry's title's my favorite line in the letter. Although I'm not sure it's against the law, I'd bet an ex-boss of my mom's retaliating against me, is. Right?

9/3/92
Adam-
If your manager does not fix the stove in a short period of time, I will have this lawyer I know write a letter to the owner telling him of the problem. So let me know if you need a lawyer's letter. By Law, you have to have a safe operating stove. And if he takes too much time fixing it, the manager is NOT doing his job! Your rent includes a stove and it poses a hazard (safety).
Love,
Mom
Good Luck! And let me know if you need a letter-
Page 2-
I'm afraid of my ex-boss. The one I had the hearing with. Don't give your address to anyone. She may want to retaliate! (She's crazy)
Also-when you use Bomb in house-you have to rinse dishes and put food away!
(I know-I know-stop acting like a mom!)
Love-
Mom

 

Over

I love this card. So sweet. So normal. SO my mother.
"Happy Valentine's Day"..."Constant Inspiration"..."Love you more than"...yeah...yeah...yeah...whatever. It's the word, "OVER" that kicks off the true JOAN EXPERIENCE.

I just want to know if it's ok to be called, "Poppy Seed" after the age of five...

Adam,
I couldn't love anyone or anything as much as I love you. You are my constant inspiration.-
Love,
Mom
(Over)
Don't go skiing yet. Give your hip a chance to rest. Don't trust that guy-Gene-that I've been dating and no longer are. Keep drying the dishes. I'll keep you informed of current events. I love my
Poppy-seed.

 

David Letterman Is Very Thin

Live from NY, it's the "Weight Show with David Letterman..."

Sat.
Adam-
Ask your doctor about the Atkins Diet because my cholesterol is high & my Dr. said I shouldn't go on the diet because it condones eating fat which is bad for cholesterol.-
Did you ever have your cholesterol checked?-If it's ok.-then-the Atkins Diet won't hurt you-But-if it's high-eating fats is a no-no-
So-Please check with your medical doctor-You say he's a good doctor-is he? -
Don't rely on your trainer-He has no idea what your cholesterol is!-
David Letterman is VERY thin & he had VERY high cholesterol-
Be Careful-
Love-
Mom

 

American Cheese

Of COURSE, it all makes sense to me now, Doctor...

February 19, 1986

Dear Adam-

Just a note to let you know not to eat any kind of foreign cheese- They have found that some french and Spanish cheese is contaminated. So just eat American cheese.
Also-I know it's been raining there a lot and I want you to be careful-I know how the roads are out there when it rains so please wear a seat belt and be careful driving. I hope by this time, you have bought an umbrella.
I will let you know when I will be arriving. It will be in a couple of weeks.
Love-
Mom

 

INTRUDERS

I received this letter when I was 30 years old.

Adam-

Hopefully-I can see you before you leave for New York 'cause I have something for you that you can use in N.Y.

I hope if ever you have intruders in your apt. while you are asleep & wake up- you let them have whatever they want and that way-they won't bother you & leave you alone. Don't start fighting with them. Keep your windows locked. You're right on an alley on the 1st floor.

Also-drink bottled water. The pipes in your bldg. are old & the water could contain lead.

Love, mom
(That's how mom's are)