A Happy Face

Pickle? Really? (Insert sad face here...)

1/24/94
Pickle-
1. If and when you decide to come to Florida, let me know. I have to order a roll-a-way bed. They deliver.
2. Don't confront the stalker who's bothering Dana. Just call police.
I'm sorry you're having so much stress. Take an aspirin before going to bed and get a full night's sleep so you can work.
Enclosed find $20 to help with gas or a lunch?
Love,
Mom
A Happy Face

 

Cock and Bull Story

Love the ending...
"Will call you Sunday"...
to see if you're still alive, that is.

March 2, 1984
Dear Adam,
After our conversation, I was thinking, don't you think it would be a good idea to go into the film industry after college? They pay so well and from there, you could make contacts and get people to hear your music. This way, you could be making money and making contacts at the same time. You could also write music for the movies! This is one way to get people to notice you! Think about it. It's better than pounding on doors!
I'm very busy at work! We've had some cases where we have had to take some kids away from their parents 'cause of child abuse. These parents are very upset about it and angry at me. Don't go anywhere with any strangers. Even if they tell you a 'cock and bull' story. Check it out first. I'm only trying to do my job, but I'm not winning any friends or influencing people! I know I'm paranoid but I'd rather be on the safe side.
Will call you Sunday.
Love-
Mom

 

Even George

Et tu, Georgey?

May 31, 1985
Adam-
Be careful not to sign anything in connection with the car! You are liable for anything you sign. And since I have no money to help, (I'm even struggling to pay my rent this month!), you don't want to be held responsible.
Don't trust anybody. Even George.
He is only out for himself to sell a car and get money!
Love,
Mom

 

Benny's Brother

Calling Lt. Bejar. Lt. Bejar. Come in. Over...

10/27/00
Adam-
IF I go to Nan's, I'm not looking forward to staying with Michael. He has the bedroom and Nan and I will be in living-room.
I will be there very little as Nan and I will be out most of the time.
My pager will not work there, so if you have to reach me and their phone doesn't work or Michael forgets to give me a message, and it's important, just tell Benny's brother, who is a police officer in Miami to go to 516 15th street, #12. That's the address of Nan's apartment near Pennsylvania Avenue. You should have it. But, I'm not going to call you while I'm there unless absolutely necessary. I plan to go 11/22 and come back 11/27.
Love,
Mom

 

Dr. Chester

Fine. I'll put off the Lasik.

Wednesday
Adam-
Your grandfather, Dr. Chester, once told me if you can avoid surgery and take other courses of treatment, do so, because surgery is a last resort. He said it can cause other problems that are more severe than original problem. Case in point, he had open heart surgery. They said the operation was a success.
Maybe.
But he died 15 hours later.
Love,
Mom

I'm Your Friend

"Friend...Good. FRIENNNNNND...GOOOOOOOOOD!"


So, Don't listen to all these "do-gooders." They may even tell you they have done "such and such". Just because they did it, doesn't mean it's right.
Listen to your old mom. I know you think I don't know much of anything, but one thing you can count on, I'm in your corner.
More than anyone else is.
I'm your friend.
Love,
Mom

 

Tell Gretchen Not To Answer Any Questions

Bonnie-my Aunt
Gretchen-my old roommate

November 5, 1985
I don't like the fact that Bonnie talks to Gretchen like "an old friend".
Who knows what questions she asks Gretchen.
It's like she interigates {sic} her.
Tell Gretchen not to answer any questions.
Mom

So I Know What's Happening

Story Structure 101, with Adam's Mom.
Normal thought. Normal thought. Huh?

June 17, 1996
Adam-
It was a delight seeing you and Vicky. Let me know when your travel plans materialize so I know what's happening.
Is your car insured for other people to drive?
Love,
Mom

 

Stay Away

Nanny are you ok? So Nanny are you ok? Are you Ok, Nanny?

Saturday
Adam-
Don't go near Nan until we find out from the doctor why she has a rash all over her body and face! I don't know if it's contagious. So stay away.
Love,
Mom

 

I Wonder What He Was Doing

What?

Sunday
Dear Adam-
One of the neighbors told me she saw Saul, the landlord go into my apartment when I was at work. I asked him if he did and why and he said he doesn’t recall doing it!
I know the neighbor wouldn’t make up a story and I wonder what he was doing when he comes in here! You just feel like your privacy has been invaded! I’m going to tell him not to come in here unless I know about it! Anyhow, I got that off my chest.
I sent Dr. Rish another $25. I don’t understand why you to to him so much! You only have to send Iliana $100. You can pay her the other $100 later.
I love you.
Mom

 

Role Model

Los Angeles/Summer 2010
Family seeking...
Part-time housekeeper for out of state family member's visit;
OR
Full-time therapist for in-state neurotic mother.

Sunday
Adam,
I have always tried to protect you from both Bonnie and Michael when you were a kid because they were dysfunctional and both had obvious sociopathic disorders.
I'm concerned about my grandchildren now when it comes to Bonnie's possible visit to stay with you. She smokes pot, she's a pig, and leaves her urine on the seat after she goes.
I know it's up to you and Maria with whether she stays with you or not. Just as I told you about (Cousin) Laurie, I'm voicing my concern.
She is NO role model for the children. Ask (Cousin) Andrew. He had to throw her (literally) out of his house.
Mom

 

I Know What I'm Talking About

Looking back on it all, I can't believe what a fool I've been. Of COURSE my mother knew the truth about her own father and his "business". She lived with the man until she was 3 years old! Oh sure, they lost touch for decades when he left, but my mother kept tabs. And in her own cryptic way, she was obviously just trying to protect me from his posse and their covert ties with the underworld.

Sunday,
Adam-
I sent you $20 at your home. You never mentioned it.
Here's a little extra for your pocket.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Don't get involved with Pop's business. And don't sign anything regarding his business! I know what I'm talking about.

Prostitutes

My maternal grandfather. He divorced my grandmother long before I was born, and she married the man I grew up knowing and loving as, my grandfather. Little did I know until my senior year of high school that (Surprise!) THAT guy wasn't my "BLOOD" grandfather. No no. This guy in Joisey (who never remarried and allegedly liked the occasional nookie from whores), was. Go figure. Sure I wanted him at my wedding. But there was my mother with her letter. Filling my head with the necessary commentary one needs to hear right before their big day. You know, I'm beginning to wonder if my mother (Surprise!) is really my mother.

8/21/01
Adam-
Dementia is when the brain has deteriorated and the person cannot function rationally. So, anything he says is questionable. So, STAY AWAY from him before the wedding 'cause he's trouble with a capital 'T'.
I've tried to hire a reputable woman for him but he'd rather have his prostitutes! His friends (Frank, the barber) told me to stay away from him and concentrate on my own life. They all know he's weird! Don't worry. If he goes to wedding, Nan and I will gag and bind him! We'll take care of him.
Mom
P.S. $20 is for a pizza for you and Maria

This Is Not Your Hysterical Mother Talking

Now here's a little known follow-up to the classic song, "What are you doing New Year's Eve?"
Here's, "What you shouldn't be doing New Year's Eve", from Adam's Mom.
Happy New Year, eveybody!

11/18/99
We're preparing a list at work for all our clients who would be at risk should electricity in New York stop because of the Y2K problem January 31, 2000. This means no traffic lights, no mass transportation, no phones or refrigeration, no lights, no elevators. So, the thought occurred to me...Don't drive that night and don't take elevators. Keep a flashlight on hand and have some canned food in apartment. Don't go on subways. Stay near where you're staying so you can walk back to apartment. You need bottled water and a manual can opener. When you get to apartment where you're staying, get prepared just in case of emergency. See what you need. This is not your hysterical mother talking. We have been so instructed at work by a well informed computer expert!!!! Better to take precaution than be sorry.
Love, Mom

Man of Mystery

Normally, I'd explain the WHO? and the WHAT? of this letter.
But thanks to its advice from 1988...,
Today, I am a man of mystery.
Thursday
Dear Adam,
I hope when you talk to Alisa, you don't confide everything in her. Specifically, regarding your financial condition. She doesn't have to know all your personal business. You don't know if she repeats it to her mother or not.
In any event, keep certain things to yourself. If you get married, that's another matter! But, until that happens, it's better to remain a man of mystery than one who bears all. Girls like a little challenge.
Love,
Mom

 

Don't Walk From Car To Car

Horrible as this clipping is, I'm sure any Shrink would have a field day with this one...

"Of virtues I most warmly bless, most rarely see unselfishness.
And to put graver sins aside, I own a preference for pride."
Enclosed find money for Channuka.
Also, horrible clipping of what happens when you walk thru cars on subways. You could fall on tracks! Don't walk thru cars.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I decided NOT to take out additional insurance with Chase Bank as I had told you.

 

I Met This Gal At The Pool

Dear Tori, I know it's 15 years later, but I'm around next Tuesday...???

3/15/94
Adam-
I met this gal at the pool of a hotel. She owns Maddhatter Films in LA. (xxx)xxx-xxxx. She said she could put you in touch with some managers.
Just don't sign anything!
She'll be back the 1st week in April. Her name is Tori. Just say your mom met her at a pool in Miami and she'll know who it is!
Love,
Mom
Networking can't hurt!

 

Craigslist

All I said was that I was going to pick up a watch from this guy off Craigslist.
And this is where my mother ended up going...

Tuesday
Adam-
Be careful about meeting people on "Craig's List." I heard from CNN that there are a lot of criminals that prey on people and they have met them to harm them and steal from them. So be cautious!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Please don't go into Mexico because they are kidnapping Americans and cutting off their heads!!

 

Dear Mr. President

So she told me she'd written a letter to the President of the United States of America. "What? Oh no! What did you write?", I asked.
She sent me this copy.
All it needs is...P.S. Eat your vegetables...you'll need your strength.

Adam-
Enclosed find a rough draft of the letter I wrote to the President.
Mom

Dear Mr. President-
I think you will be one of the best Presidents that we ever had.
I worked for a bureaucracy as a social worker for many years and I know how they work. Don't let the "beasts" bother you. They want to keep things "status quo" for their own benefit.
Play it "close to the vest". You're the President. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to go on the "Jay Leno" show or any other TV show. You're above all that.
Because you are such a "nice guy", people will take advantage of that. Just do what you do and keep away from the "beasts".
My cell is: xxx-xxx-xxxx and my address is: xx xx xxx
Sincerely,
Joan Cxxx

 

Poison

Dear Adam Pictures presents:
THE MOUSE TRAP II
This time, it's literal.

Monday
Adam,
My roommate at this house I'm staying at, just told me that she put POISON down on her kitchen counters the other day. She said she saw a mouse there. I didn't know about it until just now and I'm the only one who cooks in the kitchen.
I told her if I Drop Dead in the next few days, my son will own her house and everything in it! I just wanted you to know.
Love,
Mom