Benny's Brother

Calling Lt. Bejar. Lt. Bejar. Come in. Over...

10/27/00
Adam-
IF I go to Nan's, I'm not looking forward to staying with Michael. He has the bedroom and Nan and I will be in living-room.
I will be there very little as Nan and I will be out most of the time.
My pager will not work there, so if you have to reach me and their phone doesn't work or Michael forgets to give me a message, and it's important, just tell Benny's brother, who is a police officer in Miami to go to 516 15th street, #12. That's the address of Nan's apartment near Pennsylvania Avenue. You should have it. But, I'm not going to call you while I'm there unless absolutely necessary. I plan to go 11/22 and come back 11/27.
Love,
Mom

 

Fax Transmittal Sheet

"How Technology Helped Me Embarrass My Son"
By: Adam's Mom

5/7/00
To: Adam
This Message is from: Mom, The Pierre Hotel
Number of Pages: 1
Poopie-
I'm waiting for my friends to go out for dinner and we decided
to meet at the Pierre. I always arrive early. It's 90 degrees today.
That's why I still have a cold.
Love and Kisses.

Little Black Book

So I went to clean out some other boxes of crap in my garage and there this was. Straight outta 1985. Hey, it said, "Little Black Book" and I guess I thought that was kinda cool to have back then. Besides, it was before the internet, dating sites, cell phones and the like, and I needed something to keep track of all the women I was dating at the time.
Right.
Anyway, I went thumbing through the pages.
Wow-I remember Holly. I wonder what happened to her!
Oh jeez-Joy. We didn't even date after I met her that...
And then in one single solitary second, everything came crashing to a halt right then and there in my garage under the letter, 'N'.
It was that handwriting.
Come On!
Seriously?
When? How? For God's sake...Why? Did I need to have that in here?
Was anything I ever did or ever came to possess, sacred? Ever?

Capricorn Man

First the horoscope arrived.
Then about a week or so later, came the letter.
By the way, I am a Capricorn Man. My wife, is a Gemini.
Welcome to La Vida Loca.
And Happy Mother's Day, Everybody!

Thursday
Adam-
1. I had NO idea that was on the horoscope. I didn't even remember what Maria's birthday was. (I only read the CUTE saying they had.)
2. If you want me to be the "Bad" guy in this for something "harmless", then so be it. I can't control what people think! If I bothered to look at that part of the clipping, I may have thought twice. But, it was so unimportant to me, I never even looked! Maria should know in her heart how very much I care for her!
3. If you still have the cold after the antibiotics stop, you should have the doctor renew them 'cause I had to renew mine when I had the flu. You have to stay on 1 week longer. It's so cold up here now, I had to put on my heavy "down" coat 'cause I don't want to get sick again.
Take care-
Love,
Mom

 

 

Captain O'Reilly

This is more about a phone call than the subsequent fax.
So please bear with me.
Only the names have been changed to protect the ambushed.
My mother was coming back to California from New York the other day. There were strong winds in the area, so the plane couldn't take off on time and was going to be delayed by three hours. While waiting at her gate, she called to let me know that I shouldn't worry about picking her up. They wouldn't be landing until after midnight. "That's fine", I said. "Thanks for letting me..."
"Hang on a second...", my mother interrupted. "Captain? Captain?...
Adam, listen, the pilot of the plane wants to talk to you for a second. Here. This is my son, Adam."

Captain O'Reilly: Hello?
Adam: Hello?
Captain O'Reilly: Hi, this is Captain O'Reilly. I'm here with your mom. (Pause.)
Adam: Is this really the Captain of the plane?
Captain O'Reilly: Yes. Your mom wanted me to tell you that we're going to be delayed about three hours due to the strong winds we're having here. She just didn't want you to worry.
Adam: I...can't believe she got you on the phone to tell me that.
AWKWARD PAUSE
Captain O'Reilly: No problem. Have a great day.
Adam: Thanks.
Captain O'Reilly: Here's your mom again.
Adam's Mom: Hello?
Adam: (Dialtone.)

Upon her return, she handed me the following note to fax to the airline.
How does a guy like me keep his mojo?

Please send to Human Resource Department
Re: Captain O'Reilly
4/29/10
Dear Sir:
I took a flight from >>>>> to California. We were booked to leave at 6PM Eastern Time. There was a delay and we didn't leave until 9PM. I was so impressed by the Pilot-Captain O'Reilly that I had to write this letter.
I was in a wheelchair and he was so considerate and caring for my welfare that I felt completely safe and secure about the flight (late or not).
He even took the time to call my son in Burbank on my cell phone to let him know of the delay and not to worry.
Because of his concern for all the passengers, he is one of the few pilots I have seen that has the empathy and respect that others do not have.
Therefore, I believe he deserves some kind of recognition.
Thank you. It was my pleasure.
Joan

 

Role Model

Los Angeles/Summer 2010
Family seeking...
Part-time housekeeper for out of state family member's visit;
OR
Full-time therapist for in-state neurotic mother.

Sunday
Adam,
I have always tried to protect you from both Bonnie and Michael when you were a kid because they were dysfunctional and both had obvious sociopathic disorders.
I'm concerned about my grandchildren now when it comes to Bonnie's possible visit to stay with you. She smokes pot, she's a pig, and leaves her urine on the seat after she goes.
I know it's up to you and Maria with whether she stays with you or not. Just as I told you about (Cousin) Laurie, I'm voicing my concern.
She is NO role model for the children. Ask (Cousin) Andrew. He had to throw her (literally) out of his house.
Mom

 

Grapes

In Adam's family, nothing is regular.

Monday
Adam-
Grapes are very good for having bowel movements. I didn't see any grapes in your house!!
Mom

Prostitutes

My maternal grandfather. He divorced my grandmother long before I was born, and she married the man I grew up knowing and loving as, my grandfather. Little did I know until my senior year of high school that (Surprise!) THAT guy wasn't my "BLOOD" grandfather. No no. This guy in Joisey (who never remarried and allegedly liked the occasional nookie from whores), was. Go figure. Sure I wanted him at my wedding. But there was my mother with her letter. Filling my head with the necessary commentary one needs to hear right before their big day. You know, I'm beginning to wonder if my mother (Surprise!) is really my mother.

8/21/01
Adam-
Dementia is when the brain has deteriorated and the person cannot function rationally. So, anything he says is questionable. So, STAY AWAY from him before the wedding 'cause he's trouble with a capital 'T'.
I've tried to hire a reputable woman for him but he'd rather have his prostitutes! His friends (Frank, the barber) told me to stay away from him and concentrate on my own life. They all know he's weird! Don't worry. If he goes to wedding, Nan and I will gag and bind him! We'll take care of him.
Mom
P.S. $20 is for a pizza for you and Maria

Someone That Turns Me Off!

Letter Dictionary:
Graham=Someone she dated.
Dundee=Someone she never dated but admired.
Adam=Me=Her son=Someone who'd have preferred never reading ANY of this.

Thursday
Adam-
The guy (Graham) really is a Jerk! He's NO Dundee either! He's not at all masculine. A wimp! I can't stand weak men! That's why he likes that German lady. She's happy to take control. And Adam, I can't go to bed with someone that turns me off! I don't think you could either!
I don't know if there's anyone out there for me. If not, I'll just do the best I can on my own. I'd rather be alone than put up with someone's behavior that makes me want to throw up. If I weren't so particular, I could have been re-married 10 times already!
Take care of you for me. You're the most important man in my life. (Until another comes along.)
Love-
Mom

I Will Have To Be Committed

So let me get this straight...
HER mom, drives HER crazy?
Hmmm...

Sunday
Hello.
Thought I'd plan on coming out for 2 nights. Alone. I need to have a little space from Nan for 2 days and I want to see Truman. So, I'm planning on beginning of March. Will discuss dates with you to what's convenient for you. I would stay at the hotel only because I need very much to be alone or I will have to be committed. My identity has been lost just when I almost had one and I have to recover it.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Could you send Clive Davis, who is again head of Arista Records, a sample of your music? He's 71 years old now and Jewish and I think he would listen to you. Try!
Did you and Maria start your taxes?

 

Gorgeous

When you look at the letter, do YOU find it odd that my name was written in a box labeled, CASE NAME??? Hello? Mr. DeMille? Anybody?

2/1/2000
ADAM
SUGGESTION
Go to some of the Major Motion Picture Studios. (Paramount, MGM, etc.) They have a personnel office. Take your resume and speak to one of the officers and tell them you're looking for a job related to music. What openings do they have. Sometimes, they need in-house musicians and you have to go (in person) 'cause once they see how gorgeous you are, all the people will help you in your pursuit. It won't hurt to go as they do have personnel department there.
Love,
Mom
Please let me know if you're going to fly off somewhere. I would want to know what plane you're on. And try to conserve your money for necessary items only.

 

I Met This Gal At The Pool

Dear Tori, I know it's 15 years later, but I'm around next Tuesday...???

3/15/94
Adam-
I met this gal at the pool of a hotel. She owns Maddhatter Films in LA. (xxx)xxx-xxxx. She said she could put you in touch with some managers.
Just don't sign anything!
She'll be back the 1st week in April. Her name is Tori. Just say your mom met her at a pool in Miami and she'll know who it is!
Love,
Mom
Networking can't hurt!