The Jersey Family

But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all...,
except for those people in Jersey!"

Thursday
Adam-
I'm not telling you who to be friends with. It just offends me that Bonnie and the Jersey Family have nothing to do with me except when you're in town, and that's because my life is hard and I have no money. If I were married and had money, it would be different. They don't want to deal with anything unpleasant. That is why Claire-Ruth has nothing to do with Nan. My sister has nothing to do with me. The only thing that offends me is that YOU are not offended by this.
They are self-absorbed, narcissistic people and I want nothing to do with them, either. So, when Holidays come around and they celebrate and do NOT invite me, do not expect me to go when you show up in town and I suddenly get an invitation.
Mom

 

Tim

Oh No! NOT THE DREADED NASAL INFECTION!!!!

3/18/1986
Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a thought!
Tim had an infection before I left.
A nasal infection.
That can be contagious if you drink from the same glass or use the same utensil.
So I hope you didn't catch it from him.
If you did, you have to go on antibiotics, so you can call Dr. Caplan and he can order it over the phone.
Love,
Mom

 

Adam is Lucky

Yup.
Somethin's definitely wrong.

Thursday
Maria,
You're doing a terrific job as a mother and a working mother at that!
You're very special and Adam is lucky to have you.
Just thought I'd treat you to a nice lunch while at work.
Love,
Joan

 

Tell Gretchen Not To Answer Any Questions

Bonnie-my Aunt
Gretchen-my old roommate

November 5, 1985
I don't like the fact that Bonnie talks to Gretchen like "an old friend".
Who knows what questions she asks Gretchen.
It's like she interigates {sic} her.
Tell Gretchen not to answer any questions.
Mom

Stay Away

Nanny are you ok? So Nanny are you ok? Are you Ok, Nanny?

Saturday
Adam-
Don't go near Nan until we find out from the doctor why she has a rash all over her body and face! I don't know if it's contagious. So stay away.
Love,
Mom

 

Captain O'Reilly

This is more about a phone call than the subsequent fax.
So please bear with me.
Only the names have been changed to protect the ambushed.
My mother was coming back to California from New York the other day. There were strong winds in the area, so the plane couldn't take off on time and was going to be delayed by three hours. While waiting at her gate, she called to let me know that I shouldn't worry about picking her up. They wouldn't be landing until after midnight. "That's fine", I said. "Thanks for letting me..."
"Hang on a second...", my mother interrupted. "Captain? Captain?...
Adam, listen, the pilot of the plane wants to talk to you for a second. Here. This is my son, Adam."

Captain O'Reilly: Hello?
Adam: Hello?
Captain O'Reilly: Hi, this is Captain O'Reilly. I'm here with your mom. (Pause.)
Adam: Is this really the Captain of the plane?
Captain O'Reilly: Yes. Your mom wanted me to tell you that we're going to be delayed about three hours due to the strong winds we're having here. She just didn't want you to worry.
Adam: I...can't believe she got you on the phone to tell me that.
AWKWARD PAUSE
Captain O'Reilly: No problem. Have a great day.
Adam: Thanks.
Captain O'Reilly: Here's your mom again.
Adam's Mom: Hello?
Adam: (Dialtone.)

Upon her return, she handed me the following note to fax to the airline.
How does a guy like me keep his mojo?

Please send to Human Resource Department
Re: Captain O'Reilly
4/29/10
Dear Sir:
I took a flight from >>>>> to California. We were booked to leave at 6PM Eastern Time. There was a delay and we didn't leave until 9PM. I was so impressed by the Pilot-Captain O'Reilly that I had to write this letter.
I was in a wheelchair and he was so considerate and caring for my welfare that I felt completely safe and secure about the flight (late or not).
He even took the time to call my son in Burbank on my cell phone to let him know of the delay and not to worry.
Because of his concern for all the passengers, he is one of the few pilots I have seen that has the empathy and respect that others do not have.
Therefore, I believe he deserves some kind of recognition.
Thank you. It was my pleasure.
Joan

 

Sketch Larry Did

This letter and napkin arrived in the early 1990's, right before my big trip to Australia with my then-girlfriend, Dana. Thank you Larry, (whoever you are), for capturing the essence of confidence, joy and complete lack of fear that was, is, and always will be..., my mother.

Adam-
Enclosed find sketch Larry did of me. Don’t my eyes look sad?
Anyhow, Bon Voyage and have fun.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Is this a better note?

 

Role Model

Los Angeles/Summer 2010
Family seeking...
Part-time housekeeper for out of state family member's visit;
OR
Full-time therapist for in-state neurotic mother.

Sunday
Adam,
I have always tried to protect you from both Bonnie and Michael when you were a kid because they were dysfunctional and both had obvious sociopathic disorders.
I'm concerned about my grandchildren now when it comes to Bonnie's possible visit to stay with you. She smokes pot, she's a pig, and leaves her urine on the seat after she goes.
I know it's up to you and Maria with whether she stays with you or not. Just as I told you about (Cousin) Laurie, I'm voicing my concern.
She is NO role model for the children. Ask (Cousin) Andrew. He had to throw her (literally) out of his house.
Mom

 

Superior Wife

Obviously, she wants something.

 

Yellow Lights

This came to me about a month or so before Maria and I had our first child.
We lived 5 minutes away from the Hospital.

Tuesday
Adam-
When the time comes and you have to drive Maria to the hospital, make sure you don't go through yellow lights as you have to get her there in one piece.
Your Dad drove me very slowly when it was my time and it's good to go for a trial run to see how long it takes obeying all the lights!
Love,
Mom

LA Philharmonic

I can almost see the marquee now...
MR. BERENTHAL PRESENTS...
THE LA PHILHARMONIC PLAYING SELECTED POP SONGS BY
SOME GUY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

Tuesday
Adam-
Enclosed find $50 just for you. I sent a $100 money order last
week to your house. Did you get it? It was for your anniversity (sic).
Love,
Mom
(over)
Have you ever heard of Famous Artists? Anyhow, I spoke with
Mr. Berenthal who is the creator. He said to find out who the Manager of LA Philharmonic is and call him and ask if the Philharmonic can play one of your pieces at the Pop concerts that they put on. They sometimes do this.
Also, Mr. Bernthal , who was also Head of the Music Department at Syracuse, said for me to tell him who manager is because if he knows him, he'll make sure your compositions are played by LA Philharmonic.

 

People Are So Odd

Proof once again that in my family, odd is relative.

Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a note to say hello.
The night you had your car stolen and I reported it to the insurance company the next day, do you know the only thing Nan was concerned about 'cause she heard me on the phone was, "How did Adam afford to put an $800 stereo in the car?!" I didn't answer, but she kept repeating it. Can you imagine! It's none of her business!
Love,
Mom
P.S. People are so odd.

 

Oops, Mom

Found this letter just in time for the holidays, and I can't decide which is more odd. The fact that my mother isn't sure I'd know what the word, "Gelt" means, (after sending me to Hebrew school for 6 years), or the fact that she's not quite sure who SHE is. By the way, Annette is my mother in law.
I think.
Oh, I don't know.

11/29/99
Adam-
Enclosed find a little Hanukkah gelt, which means money. Use it to buy whatever.
Spoke with Annette. We're supposed to meet one day next week and go to a comedy club.
Love, Joan
Oops, Mom

Enjoy This CD

Perhaps I'm over-analyzing everything she sends me...but it got me thinking. Maybe I AM a little overweight...??!

Someone That Turns Me Off!

Letter Dictionary:
Graham=Someone she dated.
Dundee=Someone she never dated but admired.
Adam=Me=Her son=Someone who'd have preferred never reading ANY of this.

Thursday
Adam-
The guy (Graham) really is a Jerk! He's NO Dundee either! He's not at all masculine. A wimp! I can't stand weak men! That's why he likes that German lady. She's happy to take control. And Adam, I can't go to bed with someone that turns me off! I don't think you could either!
I don't know if there's anyone out there for me. If not, I'll just do the best I can on my own. I'd rather be alone than put up with someone's behavior that makes me want to throw up. If I weren't so particular, I could have been re-married 10 times already!
Take care of you for me. You're the most important man in my life. (Until another comes along.)
Love-
Mom

BLUE

So my mother mailed me this NY POST photo clipping back in 2000, showing me how the star of the movie, "Blue", in her opinion, looks like my wife. Innocent enough. Sure. What she swears she didn't notice is that little synopsis directly under the picture which explains the movie to be all about a young woman who loses her musician-husband and child in a car wreck.
Now THAT, boys and girls, is what I call WEIRD.


Doesn't this look like Maria?

 

Man of Mystery

Normally, I'd explain the WHO? and the WHAT? of this letter.
But thanks to its advice from 1988...,
Today, I am a man of mystery.
Thursday
Dear Adam,
I hope when you talk to Alisa, you don't confide everything in her. Specifically, regarding your financial condition. She doesn't have to know all your personal business. You don't know if she repeats it to her mother or not.
In any event, keep certain things to yourself. If you get married, that's another matter! But, until that happens, it's better to remain a man of mystery than one who bears all. Girls like a little challenge.
Love,
Mom

 

Nowhere Near Spain

I don't think she'd be my 1st choice for "phone-a-friend"...


5/10/97
Adam-
Enclosed find a little check to buy brunch for you and Vicky.
I love you.
When are you going on your vacation?
And where are you going?
Are you still going to Spain?
Morocco is in South Africa and is nowhere near Spain!
I'll speak to you next week.
Love, Mom

 

Don't Walk From Car To Car

Horrible as this clipping is, I'm sure any Shrink would have a field day with this one...

"Of virtues I most warmly bless, most rarely see unselfishness.
And to put graver sins aside, I own a preference for pride."
Enclosed find money for Channuka.
Also, horrible clipping of what happens when you walk thru cars on subways. You could fall on tracks! Don't walk thru cars.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I decided NOT to take out additional insurance with Chase Bank as I had told you.

 

Don't Ask Me Anything About My Date

A lot of you will probably say, "Good for her for having a date!" However, keep in mind, sometimes I feel like the parent: What's his motive? Who is he? Where will you be going? Is he out of his mind?
See? I really DO care!