The Jersey Family

But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all...,
except for those people in Jersey!"

Thursday
Adam-
I'm not telling you who to be friends with. It just offends me that Bonnie and the Jersey Family have nothing to do with me except when you're in town, and that's because my life is hard and I have no money. If I were married and had money, it would be different. They don't want to deal with anything unpleasant. That is why Claire-Ruth has nothing to do with Nan. My sister has nothing to do with me. The only thing that offends me is that YOU are not offended by this.
They are self-absorbed, narcissistic people and I want nothing to do with them, either. So, when Holidays come around and they celebrate and do NOT invite me, do not expect me to go when you show up in town and I suddenly get an invitation.
Mom

 

I Thought This Was Aprapo {sic}

This pissed my wife off.

 

Dr. Chester

Fine. I'll put off the Lasik.

Wednesday
Adam-
Your grandfather, Dr. Chester, once told me if you can avoid surgery and take other courses of treatment, do so, because surgery is a last resort. He said it can cause other problems that are more severe than original problem. Case in point, he had open heart surgery. They said the operation was a success.
Maybe.
But he died 15 hours later.
Love,
Mom

Adam is Lucky

Yup.
Somethin's definitely wrong.

Thursday
Maria,
You're doing a terrific job as a mother and a working mother at that!
You're very special and Adam is lucky to have you.
Just thought I'd treat you to a nice lunch while at work.
Love,
Joan

 

Sunday, Wednesday, Friday

Three letters. One topic. Same week.
You ready?
Go!

#1
Sunday
Adam-
The Jewish newspaper in LA at the newsstand on Fairfax near Canter's, they will have ads for music teachers at the various temples. Their requirements are not the same as public schools. If you're interested, this will give you a salary and a lot of paid vacation time to pursue other things. You could sell the pianos in the summer when school is closed. With your background at the Hebrew Academy, they will love you!
Mom
(over)
Did Maria get the priority mail I sent her?
P.S. I'm thinking of coming to LA to see you on Labor Day which is the beginning of September. I have a week's vacation. Is that all right? Please let me know so I can buy my ticket.

#2
Wednesday
Adam-
I'm just concerned that you won't have the security of a salary if it's only commission. If you worked in a school as a music teacher, you would have a salary and benefits. What benefits do they give you?
Love,
Mom
Also-
If you have a show Saturday night, how can you work all day Saturday? Maybe you only have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Yes?
Mom

#3
Friday
Do you want to have the hectic life of a salesman? Why wouldn't you want a job with job security and vacations and bonuses and such? Teaching in a private school like a temple school can do that. What happened to that job with Scott to score his movie? You never keep me on top of these things.
It's your life so please forgive me to be so presumptuous as to tell you what to do. I just want life to be fulfilling for you so whatever you choose to do, I am behind you.
Did you know your father was considering on going back to Medical School just before he got sick and he was in his early 40's?
Love,
Mom

 

 

 

40 Girls

Well, if she couldn't be a coddling mother to ONE,
why not try being a coddling mother to MANY!
The year? 1996. The zip? 77840. The outcome? What do you think?

Hi!
Getting ready for the girls to move in. One more week of being alone and then 40 girls move in with me! Help!
Love,
Mom
My zip is 77840.

 

Capricorn Man

First the horoscope arrived.
Then about a week or so later, came the letter.
By the way, I am a Capricorn Man. My wife, is a Gemini.
Welcome to La Vida Loca.
And Happy Mother's Day, Everybody!

Thursday
Adam-
1. I had NO idea that was on the horoscope. I didn't even remember what Maria's birthday was. (I only read the CUTE saying they had.)
2. If you want me to be the "Bad" guy in this for something "harmless", then so be it. I can't control what people think! If I bothered to look at that part of the clipping, I may have thought twice. But, it was so unimportant to me, I never even looked! Maria should know in her heart how very much I care for her!
3. If you still have the cold after the antibiotics stop, you should have the doctor renew them 'cause I had to renew mine when I had the flu. You have to stay on 1 week longer. It's so cold up here now, I had to put on my heavy "down" coat 'cause I don't want to get sick again.
Take care-
Love,
Mom

 

 

Sketch Larry Did

This letter and napkin arrived in the early 1990's, right before my big trip to Australia with my then-girlfriend, Dana. Thank you Larry, (whoever you are), for capturing the essence of confidence, joy and complete lack of fear that was, is, and always will be..., my mother.

Adam-
Enclosed find sketch Larry did of me. Don’t my eyes look sad?
Anyhow, Bon Voyage and have fun.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Is this a better note?

 

Role Model

Los Angeles/Summer 2010
Family seeking...
Part-time housekeeper for out of state family member's visit;
OR
Full-time therapist for in-state neurotic mother.

Sunday
Adam,
I have always tried to protect you from both Bonnie and Michael when you were a kid because they were dysfunctional and both had obvious sociopathic disorders.
I'm concerned about my grandchildren now when it comes to Bonnie's possible visit to stay with you. She smokes pot, she's a pig, and leaves her urine on the seat after she goes.
I know it's up to you and Maria with whether she stays with you or not. Just as I told you about (Cousin) Laurie, I'm voicing my concern.
She is NO role model for the children. Ask (Cousin) Andrew. He had to throw her (literally) out of his house.
Mom

 

Superior Wife

Obviously, she wants something.

 

Don't Walk From Car To Car

Horrible as this clipping is, I'm sure any Shrink would have a field day with this one...

"Of virtues I most warmly bless, most rarely see unselfishness.
And to put graver sins aside, I own a preference for pride."
Enclosed find money for Channuka.
Also, horrible clipping of what happens when you walk thru cars on subways. You could fall on tracks! Don't walk thru cars.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I decided NOT to take out additional insurance with Chase Bank as I had told you.

 

Craigslist

All I said was that I was going to pick up a watch from this guy off Craigslist.
And this is where my mother ended up going...

Tuesday
Adam-
Be careful about meeting people on "Craig's List." I heard from CNN that there are a lot of criminals that prey on people and they have met them to harm them and steal from them. So be cautious!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Please don't go into Mexico because they are kidnapping Americans and cutting off their heads!!

 

George Burns

This letter almost got me to simultaneously quit smoking cigars AND become an insomniac.

Wed.
Adam-
I don't think there's anything wrong with you smoking cigars. Look at George Burns. He lived a long life. Stop letting Maria bully you around.
Love-
Mom
P.S. Get some rest-

 

Nan & Michael Are F***ing Out Of Their Head

Will the real person out of their head, please stand up...

And P.S. Don't worry. My mom ended up moving back to Los Angeles soon after I received this lovely Thanksgiving Day greeting. Are you happy?!

11/24/93
Adam-
After I spoke to you today and you asked me if "I was happy", I wondered if something was wrong with you! How could you ask me that? Do you think I've been having a good time?
I have no home, no job, and I'm struggling just to keep a roof over me and you ask "if I'm happy"!!
I haven't seen you in 4 months. I'm lonely and yet you ask me that. Don't you realize what I'm going through?
Nan & Michael are fucking out of their head and I have no one to talk to. You wanted me out of LA. I should ask, "Are you happy?"
You got what you wanted.
Mom