PDES IS CHANGING!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I've been quite the busy little blogger over the past few years. Working hard every night from my plush crib in the San Fernando Valley. Oh the hours I spent alone staring into those bottomless (now torn) paper bags and plastic containers (now swelling) that housed my mother's letters. They all had to be taken out and placed in chronological order. "Can't deal with the kids tonight, honey!" Nope. No siree! I was waaaay too busy. Too busy remembering. Talking. Re-connecting. Dreaming. Smiling. Plotting. And writing like a wacko with a new found purpose in life. THIS was gonna be sweet!

Abrams Publishing, (the same publishing company responsible for the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" series), signed me to a fabulous book deal for the story of how my mother's letters completely and continually terrorize my life. Can you believe?! Soon, the book will be available at Barnes and Nobles and other bookstores throughout the land! I had a few ideas for what was to be the title and finally settled on, S'Mother. Just seemed more instantly understandable than, "Please Don't Eat Sushi, Love, Mom." It's available for pre-order on Amazon, and will be officially released in time for this Mother's Day in May of 2011!

It's all very exciting. For my mother? Well, not so much. I mean, she's got more important things to focus on. (Like,worrying.)

This blog will be redirected by early February to pair with the book's title and a new website is in the process of being built for all things S'Mother! There's more stuff to tell you, but that's all for now. In the mean time, please pre-order the book. Tell a friend. Tell a co-worker. It's time. It's Mother. It's S'Mother.

Yours truly-
Adam

Tuh-Tuh-Tuh

Yiddish dictionaries define Poo-Poo-Poo, (or here seen as Tuh-Tuh-Tuh), as an expression that simulates spitting 3x to ward off the evil eye.
Happy New Year, Everybody!
(Or in other words, Ting tang, walla walla bing bang.)

Adam-
This New Year 2011 should be the best year for you and Maria and the kids!
Tuh-Tuh-Tuh.
Love you all and enjoy the year!
Love,
Mom

 

A Happy Face

Pickle? Really? (Insert sad face here...)

1/24/94
Pickle-
1. If and when you decide to come to Florida, let me know. I have to order a roll-a-way bed. They deliver.
2. Don't confront the stalker who's bothering Dana. Just call police.
I'm sorry you're having so much stress. Take an aspirin before going to bed and get a full night's sleep so you can work.
Enclosed find $20 to help with gas or a lunch?
Love,
Mom
A Happy Face

 

Cock and Bull Story

Love the ending...
"Will call you Sunday"...
to see if you're still alive, that is.

March 2, 1984
Dear Adam,
After our conversation, I was thinking, don't you think it would be a good idea to go into the film industry after college? They pay so well and from there, you could make contacts and get people to hear your music. This way, you could be making money and making contacts at the same time. You could also write music for the movies! This is one way to get people to notice you! Think about it. It's better than pounding on doors!
I'm very busy at work! We've had some cases where we have had to take some kids away from their parents 'cause of child abuse. These parents are very upset about it and angry at me. Don't go anywhere with any strangers. Even if they tell you a 'cock and bull' story. Check it out first. I'm only trying to do my job, but I'm not winning any friends or influencing people! I know I'm paranoid but I'd rather be on the safe side.
Will call you Sunday.
Love-
Mom

 

Too Many Songs Are No Good

I suppose she expects 10%...

Did you know the names of these CEO's?
Send a tape of your 2 songs only!
If You Walked Into My Life and The Moon song!
Too many songs are no good.

 

The Jersey Family

But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all...,
except for those people in Jersey!"

Thursday
Adam-
I'm not telling you who to be friends with. It just offends me that Bonnie and the Jersey Family have nothing to do with me except when you're in town, and that's because my life is hard and I have no money. If I were married and had money, it would be different. They don't want to deal with anything unpleasant. That is why Claire-Ruth has nothing to do with Nan. My sister has nothing to do with me. The only thing that offends me is that YOU are not offended by this.
They are self-absorbed, narcissistic people and I want nothing to do with them, either. So, when Holidays come around and they celebrate and do NOT invite me, do not expect me to go when you show up in town and I suddenly get an invitation.
Mom

 

Do NOT

OK. Got it.
Holy crap-wait...don't I have to put a stamp on the envelope?

June 21, 1985
Adam-
Enclosed find 3 separate letters or papers.
1. Says you have to sign claim form (yellow paper) on bottom where it is circled only in order for it to remain current.
2. Sign white sheet where it says other group insurance.
3. Do NOT fill out anything on yellow sheet other than your signature where it is circled.
Do NOT answer where you are employed, income, or anything else. What I filled out is enough. I spoke to the insurance man on the phone and he said name and address and a signature is enough.
Put the 3 papers in the envelope and mail.

 

Even George

Et tu, Georgey?

May 31, 1985
Adam-
Be careful not to sign anything in connection with the car! You are liable for anything you sign. And since I have no money to help, (I'm even struggling to pay my rent this month!), you don't want to be held responsible.
Don't trust anybody. Even George.
He is only out for himself to sell a car and get money!
Love,
Mom

 

Major Work

And I'm told some people, neglect their teeth.

9/22/00
Adam-
Please make sure your tires are checked every few months
and make sure they're not Firestone Tires.
They say most people neglect their tires and they are so important.
I'm going to have major work done on my teeth.
I have an abscess on an old root canal.
I'm so afraid of this work.
Mom

 

Corn Comes Out The Way It Goes In

I'm prepared to offer a small prize to anyone who's able to tell me what the hell the last line of this letter means.

Sunday
Adam-
Don't eat nuts! It is bad for you and very hard to digest.
That's why the doctor told me not to eat corn or anything that can get caught in the intestine. As you know, corn comes out the way it goes in!
I have gallstones, a hernia, a sensitive intestine and high blood pressure so because I've been to enough doctors, I have some knowledge of what not to eat. I also have arthritis but because of my age, I'm not complaining.
I'm not putting you in my category at all. Just watch what you put in your mouth and get enough rest. You'll be fine.
Keep your bowels open.
Love,
Mom

 

Tim

Oh No! NOT THE DREADED NASAL INFECTION!!!!

3/18/1986
Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a thought!
Tim had an infection before I left.
A nasal infection.
That can be contagious if you drink from the same glass or use the same utensil.
So I hope you didn't catch it from him.
If you did, you have to go on antibiotics, so you can call Dr. Caplan and he can order it over the phone.
Love,
Mom

 

Miami Beach

Attention Weather Channel: Meet your new weather girl...

May 24, 1986
Dear Adam,
Saw this card and thought you'd like it.
It's very hot here. It's so humid you could drop!
Love you-
Mom

 

Benny's Brother

Calling Lt. Bejar. Lt. Bejar. Come in. Over...

10/27/00
Adam-
IF I go to Nan's, I'm not looking forward to staying with Michael. He has the bedroom and Nan and I will be in living-room.
I will be there very little as Nan and I will be out most of the time.
My pager will not work there, so if you have to reach me and their phone doesn't work or Michael forgets to give me a message, and it's important, just tell Benny's brother, who is a police officer in Miami to go to 516 15th street, #12. That's the address of Nan's apartment near Pennsylvania Avenue. You should have it. But, I'm not going to call you while I'm there unless absolutely necessary. I plan to go 11/22 and come back 11/27.
Love,
Mom

 

A Bunch of Liars

Hi! It's Adam calling.
Is my mother, Joan available...?
What? She's on her lunchbreak?
Hmmm..., I don't believe you.


Wednesday
Dear Adam-
Just a note to tell you not to call my office at any time. I'm having a lot of trouble with them and they're a bunch of liars!
Love,
Mom

 

I Thought This Was Aprapo {sic}

This pissed my wife off.

 

Fax Transmittal Sheet

"How Technology Helped Me Embarrass My Son"
By: Adam's Mom

5/7/00
To: Adam
This Message is from: Mom, The Pierre Hotel
Number of Pages: 1
Poopie-
I'm waiting for my friends to go out for dinner and we decided
to meet at the Pierre. I always arrive early. It's 90 degrees today.
That's why I still have a cold.
Love and Kisses.

Dr. Chester

Fine. I'll put off the Lasik.

Wednesday
Adam-
Your grandfather, Dr. Chester, once told me if you can avoid surgery and take other courses of treatment, do so, because surgery is a last resort. He said it can cause other problems that are more severe than original problem. Case in point, he had open heart surgery. They said the operation was a success.
Maybe.
But he died 15 hours later.
Love,
Mom

Adam is Lucky

Yup.
Somethin's definitely wrong.

Thursday
Maria,
You're doing a terrific job as a mother and a working mother at that!
You're very special and Adam is lucky to have you.
Just thought I'd treat you to a nice lunch while at work.
Love,
Joan

 

I'm Your Friend

"Friend...Good. FRIENNNNNND...GOOOOOOOOOD!"


So, Don't listen to all these "do-gooders." They may even tell you they have done "such and such". Just because they did it, doesn't mean it's right.
Listen to your old mom. I know you think I don't know much of anything, but one thing you can count on, I'm in your corner.
More than anyone else is.
I'm your friend.
Love,
Mom

 

Little Black Book

So I went to clean out some other boxes of crap in my garage and there this was. Straight outta 1985. Hey, it said, "Little Black Book" and I guess I thought that was kinda cool to have back then. Besides, it was before the internet, dating sites, cell phones and the like, and I needed something to keep track of all the women I was dating at the time.
Right.
Anyway, I went thumbing through the pages.
Wow-I remember Holly. I wonder what happened to her!
Oh jeez-Joy. We didn't even date after I met her that...
And then in one single solitary second, everything came crashing to a halt right then and there in my garage under the letter, 'N'.
It was that handwriting.
Come On!
Seriously?
When? How? For God's sake...Why? Did I need to have that in here?
Was anything I ever did or ever came to possess, sacred? Ever?