After Dark!

The reaction most moms would have when hearing they will soon be introduced to their son's new love, would normally be something along the lines of...Wow...can't wait to meet her! Perhaps the parent would make dinner reservations to hang out at a chic new restaurant in New York, (where my mom was living at the time.) Maybe arrange for us to meet for drinks at a happening bar. Or how about a casual little stroll through Central Park???

Oops. I forgot. We're talking about MY mother.

See the attached New York Post clipping she sent me in the mail about a couple of months prior to Maria and I making the trip. I guess she had other plans for us.

(ECU on POST article mailed to me May 9, 1999)

You & Maria are staying near Central Park-Don't go into Park after Dark!

 

 

Use It Well

Did you know that for a mere $17.00 at LAX, you too can bring comfort and joy to your family in the event the plane you're boarding takes a swan dive? It's true! Do NOT get on that aircraft without buying some flight insurance! $17 buys you $300,000! Step right up! Now have a great flight!

11/20/2002

Keep this in case plane crashes-It's for round trip-you get $300,000. Use it well.
Mom

 

Hello, my name is your mom, and I'm insane.

Self-realization. Acknowledgment. Admitting you have a problem. Commendable. Vital to the process of healing. And in the journey to improve one's relationships with others and themselves, A HUGE FIRST STEP!

But without sounding too insensitive here...

WHEN DO THE OTHER ELEVEN KICK IN?

October 28, 2002

Hello-
Adam- I know you would agree with this saying in regard to me!

Love, Mom

 

He Has Her Address

Call me a skeptic, but I guess I'm one of the few who doesn't believe the postman actually delivers those millions of letters addressed by kids all over the world to:

Santa Claus
The North Pole

But at least now I know (thanks to this gem from my mother and an apparent all-knowing acquaintance of the time, Philip), how to send something (namely a tape of my music, in this instance) to Barbra Streisand, and trust that she'll actually get it. Please Babs...forgive me in advance for divulging such confidential information.

May 2, 1998

Adam-

Philip said to send a tape to Barbra Streisand Malibu, CA. & the postman will deliver it to her as he has her address-you have nothing to lose-Why not try it?

Love,
Mom

 

A Quarter Of A Million

This letter is one of many I received with the same motif. I refer to these as the, "I can help you get rich quick by taping a single, good ol' American coin to this paper which I'm quite sure is worth hoards of money becuase it just looks different to me" letters. Some had pennies. Some had quarters. None offered a single written word. And who said Mama Can't Buy You Love...?

 

Resistant Form

I love the letters which featured the "URGENT WARNINGS". This one was written on May 10, 1986 and starts out normal enough, then spirals down into woes about safe deposit boxes, and the terror of my "evil" UN...CLE...MI...CHAEL, (who was a constant worry for my mom). The letter finally climaxes with 2 points no letter should be without. Inappropriate? Yes. Entertaining? Perhaps. Mortifying? You KNOW it. I submit to you, your Honor, exhibit number 392,410:

Dear Adam, Friday

Enclosed find payment that has to be made to NDSL. Also enclosed is a check for $50. to help with it.

Benny sent me a birthday card. Wasn't that nice?

Nan had given me the key to her safe-deposit box before she left. When she came back I went to give her the key which was supposed to be in the envelope. I hadn't opened it to look inside when she gave it to me. As it turns out, there was nothing inside of the envelope. no key. Michael probably took it before he left to go out of town.

Just be advised that he is a thief! Do not allow him in your apartment at any time! Forewarned is forearmed. He probably took out whatever she had in that safe deposit box. Nan claims that she probably misplaced the key! Naturally, she defends him. Listen to me...

Love,
Mom

1. Don't drink rain-water.
2. There's a resistant form of gonorrhea going around-Use a condom-

 

INTRUDERS

I received this letter when I was 30 years old.

Adam-

Hopefully-I can see you before you leave for New York 'cause I have something for you that you can use in N.Y.

I hope if ever you have intruders in your apt. while you are asleep & wake up- you let them have whatever they want and that way-they won't bother you & leave you alone. Don't start fighting with them. Keep your windows locked. You're right on an alley on the 1st floor.

Also-drink bottled water. The pipes in your bldg. are old & the water could contain lead.

Love, mom
(That's how mom's are)