I Drink Smirnoff Vodka

Just found this letter and it made me wonder...
am I more of a Poppy Seed or a Chicken Feather?
Seriously, if anyone deserves a drink...

3/10/99
Chicken Feather-
Enclosed find $20. It always helps to have an extra $20.
I can't wait for May so I can get out of here and come to see you. I miss you.
Don't plan anything for my birthday. I'd just like to have one of those steaks. And I drink Smirnoff Vodka.
Love,
Mom

 

Please Don't Get Angry At This

Now why would I get...

Tuesday
Dear Adam-
Did you ever stop to consider why you always get so angry with me? I'm only interested in the best for you. I'm not your enemy, and lately, you've been treating me as if I am.
If I'm not always positive and do not always come up laughing, it's because I've not always had it easy. I don't have a husband to protect me like some women do and I've learned not to be so trusting.
So, don't be so hard on me and so judgmental. I love you-you know that-and if I say things to irritate you, stop to think where I'm coming from. I only want the best for you because you deserve it.
A thought. And please don't get angry at this-
Until you're ready to get married, you should use some protection because you don't want to be a father before any marriage takes place.
Love, mom

 

Over

I love this card. So sweet. So normal. SO my mother.
"Happy Valentine's Day"..."Constant Inspiration"..."Love you more than"...yeah...yeah...yeah...whatever. It's the word, "OVER" that kicks off the true JOAN EXPERIENCE.

I just want to know if it's ok to be called, "Poppy Seed" after the age of five...

Adam,
I couldn't love anyone or anything as much as I love you. You are my constant inspiration.-
Love,
Mom
(Over)
Don't go skiing yet. Give your hip a chance to rest. Don't trust that guy-Gene-that I've been dating and no longer are. Keep drying the dishes. I'll keep you informed of current events. I love my
Poppy-seed.

 

They're Not Citizens

My mother arranged to have my 1978 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme (black with red interior) driven to me from Miami Beach to Los Angeles by a company called, "Dependable Car Travel." Of course, she did her best to make me feel safe about my precious first car being driven across the country by people I didn't know. The letter started out great. "Dependable Car Travel". UCLA prospects. Phone contacts. Wow! All good. Nice job, mom. Wait. What? What about my tapes in the trunk? Finger printed? Who? Not from the United States? What's wrong with you? Next thing you know, you'll be telling me the driver just got paroled and depends on a seeing eye dog...
Mom? Mommmmmmm!?

September 9th, 1983
Dear Adam,
Your car is leaving today for California. Two guys in their late 20's are going out to look into UCLA for themselves. They're supposed to be in California Saturday the 17th. Dependable Car Travel has an office in California-number is 659-2722.
Just get the car from them- (the guys). I gave them your telephone number out there. Don't get involved with those guys. They're not citizens of the U.S. They only have resident cards. They were being finger printed by the agency when I called as they do with anyone who takes a car.
I hope there were no tapes in the trunk that have not been copywritten.
There's no reason to call the office-but they told me to give you the number anyhow.
I'll be happy when you finally get your car!
Love,
Mom

 

Love, Joan

This one hit a real sore spot and proves to me that my mother's goal is to make "BFF's" with anyone and everyone who comes into ANY contact with me. Even at the workplace. Check out this postcard she addressed to the staff of a travel agency where I worked part time years ago. What mother corresponds with people she doesn't really know? And we're not talking a Holiday card here! Notice the word, "Again" in her greeting. I'm telling you, she wrote to these poor people all the time. I can still hear the guy who opened the mail say to me, "Oh good...it's another postcard from your mom..."
Can you say, "two week notice...?"

Postcard addressed to:
STAFF OF TRAVELCARE

Hello Again from New York! The heat wave broke at last!
Love,
Joan

 

It Isn't Funny

Years ago when I was younger and restlesser, I decided to take a drive down to Mexico with a friend of mine for a little break. It was the 1st time I ever left the United States, the first time I ever ate an $8 lobster, and the 1st (and last) time I ever ran for my life.

While heading back to the U.S., we drove through a small town near Tijuana, and noticed on one particular street, about a mile of tall fences on each side of the road. It turned out the town was celebrating, Pamplonada. If you're not familiar with the "Running of the Bulls", it's an annual event held in Spain and Mexico, where a multitude of ferocious bulls are set free in the streets to maul over anyone and anything stupid enough to stand in their way. I remember when my friend, Gary and I decided to give it a whirl...I first HAD to say farewell to my beloved mom back in Miami. I found a phone booth in the middle of town and gave her a quick call as I just KNEW she would understand and ultimately, support whatever I decided to bequeath her. I know. I know. My bad.

A few weeks later, I received this letter:

Monday
Dear Adam,
I told Nan about the bulls in Mexico-She said she saw people get maimed that way when she was in Tijuana! She got so upset & hysterical-she said she would have called the Border Patrol and I got so angry with her-we had a fight-! Anyhow-I told her you're safe now. She pictured you being caught by that bull.

Just thought I'd tell you-you can't tell her anything! But-in the future-Don't do anything so silly-because if you had slipped & fallen-you could have been run over by those bulls! And I was so sick that afternoon-not knowing what happened-Please don't do foolish things like that again. It isn't funny!
Love,
Mom

 

Hello

"Masters of complexity create the simplest solutions." Brad Lishman

Letter mailed to me on September 10, 1986:

Hello-