Dude

For anyone who wonders if I still get letters to this day, the answer is, "Yes, Your Honor". This one arrived just yesterday. (My mom doesn't know the first thing about emails.)

While some of you might think it'd be cool to have a mom incorporating the hippest catch phrases into their salutations, the rest of you may understand why I just HAD to post this one immediately. It made me feel kind of strange. OK, VERY strange. I mean, she's just not the "duuuude" kinda guy, you know?

Anyway, I've got to go now and update my resume. Once I nail this high-paying job she wrote me about, it's lunch for everybody on me, baby!

Friday-
Adam-
Check it out dude-
(I like the way that guy Randy talks on American Idol)-
New York Life Insurance is hiring people for various positions. I saw it in today's LA Times. You should look into this. Their starting salary is $34,000 a year!
Love,
Mom

 

Con Men

Sunday

Dear Adam,

I heard on National TV that there is a telephone scam on. Con men call on the phone and try to sell you all kinds of things, gets your credit card number and cons people. Hang up on anyone on the phone that tells you of a great deal. Someone called me the other day and I hung up on him. He called me back and I told him if he bothered me again, I would report him to the Better Business Bureau. So, be careful of telephone salesmen.
Love,
Mom

 

Lifeguard

I'm not sure what pisses me off more about this letter.
The fact that I was 39 when I got it, or the fact that I got it at all. Maybe she just sincerely forgot that I worked as a lifeguard throughout high school and college. At least, that's what I like to tell myself.


Adam-
If you go to the beach, make sure you go where there is a Lifeguard near. It's much safer if you're going in the water.
Love,
Mom

 

Nan Saw The Letter!

At least once in my life, someone has told me something about themselves that I feel they’re trying to convince me of believing rather than simply having a normal conversation. Has that happened to you? For me, it’s like hearing the phrase, "I swear I'm telling the truth!" after every word they say. That's how I ALWAYS feel when it comes to my mother. And now, I honestly doubt the validity of everything she tells me.
Take the information sent to me in this letter. 100%? In the whole city? In history? Besides, Nan is 91 years old! She can hardly see anything...

NYCERS=New York City Employee's Retirement System

Just want you to know, if anything happens to me, this is the place you call as you are listed as my beneficiary in the event of my demise and you continue to collect $200 a month.
Mom
(over)
Did you know I was the only one in the history of New York City that ever placed 100% on the civil service exam for social workers? I have the letter they sent me to that effect!
Nan saw the letter!

 

Self-Addressed Envelope

About 10pm tonight, I reached into the pile, and opened this as-of-that-moment, unopened letter for the very first time. And since noone is awake to help me understand it, I think I just better go to bed.

5/25/99
Adam-
Please send me address and phone number where you'll be staying in New York. Self-addressed envelope enclosed. ( I won't use it. Just like to have it).
Also, let me know where and what time I'm to meet you. It doesn't matter as I can take off work anytime. But, I need to know a couple of days before. And I have no way to contact you so send me address where you'll be staying so I can feel grounded.
Love,
Mom

 

Read This

Right after 9/11, I was scheduled to take a trip from Los Angeles to Boston to attend my best friend's wedding. I had never been a fan of flying and like many people after that day, I became much more paranoid.

Luckily, my mother sent me this New York Post clipping to help calm my nerves.

Read This-
Do you still want to go to Boston?

 

By Law, You Have to Have a Safe Operating Stove

I don't know where to begin with this one from 1992. The entry's title's my favorite line in the letter. Although I'm not sure it's against the law, I'd bet an ex-boss of my mom's retaliating against me, is. Right?

9/3/92
Adam-
If your manager does not fix the stove in a short period of time, I will have this lawyer I know write a letter to the owner telling him of the problem. So let me know if you need a lawyer's letter. By Law, you have to have a safe operating stove. And if he takes too much time fixing it, the manager is NOT doing his job! Your rent includes a stove and it poses a hazard (safety).
Love,
Mom
Good Luck! And let me know if you need a letter-
Page 2-
I'm afraid of my ex-boss. The one I had the hearing with. Don't give your address to anyone. She may want to retaliate! (She's crazy)
Also-when you use Bomb in house-you have to rinse dishes and put food away!
(I know-I know-stop acting like a mom!)
Love-
Mom